I think I've said before, the cancer part of this never really scared me. I was so focused on what we could do to get Houston here safely that I honestly did not allow myself to think about the cancer so much. Can you say denial?
Well, that blissful denial is over and its time to start the treatment part of this journey. Houston is now five weeks old. Last Thursday I had my post-op appointment with my OB. She was very pleased with the healing around my incision site and said I was "released to normal activity and to start treatment." Since then my mind has been racing, mostly centering around how Houston will get feed during all of this. I am a strong believer that breast-feeding is the BEST nutrition for Houston and I am so trying to make sure that he will have that. I have been calling and researching Human Milk Banks, Lactation specialists, and Night Nurses - and hopeful we won't have to use any of them.
Today was my first oncologist visit since Houston was born. I last saw her when I was 36 weeks pregnant. It was essentially an uneventful appointment. She said that everything looked good and she was ready to proceed with treatment. I told her that I didn't really want the hysterectomy - she called me a "cowboy" - and basically said I was crazy if I didn't do the surgery. I also asked her if she would do a tummy tuck or liposuction for me a the same time...she said she wasn't qualified...what a bummer!
The oncologist ordered a PET scan - which would have been the first thing I would have done back in January if I hadn't been pregnant. This will give more information than my initial MRI in terms of finding out if there are any other areas that are involved. I hope to have that done late this week/early next week. The results of that we determine if I will be having a hysterectomy or radical hysterectomy. She will also use that (along with the pathology from the tissues removed in the hysterectomy) to determine if radiation and/or chemo will be necessary. I am hopeful I can have the surgery and be done with this STUPID cancer!
I have been pumping like crazy to have enough milk for Houston during my treatments. I won't be able to nurse him for 24-48 hours after the PET scan. I did find out that Houston will be able to stay in the hospital with me after the hysterectomy - that eases a ton of my anxiety about the whole feeding situation. If radiation has to happen I won't be able to nurse him for five full weeks, chemo would be even longer. I really am trying not to think about worse case treatment scenarios but at the same time I want to have a plan if it is necessary. Realistically it seems that I won't be able to give him what I think is best if radiation or chemo becomes a part of this process.
After I dropped Caroline at school this morning and got back in the car to head down to see my doctor...this was the song on the radio:"my God is healer, awesome in power, my God." So thankful He decided to remind me of that...
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
First family pictures
We had a great visit with our family photographer tonight. Houston is 17 days old today. He and the other kids were so cooperative - that is yet another miracle in our journey ;).
I just wanted to share a link to her Facebook page with a preview of the pictures. She always does an amazing job!
JK Mitchell Photography
We started with the whole family around 6:30 pm. The older kids and Billy left around 7:15 and I stayed with Houston to get some pictures of just him. He was a little stinker and decided that he didn't want to sleep. Kahlia was VERY patient. Houston finally began his deep sleep after 9 pm. She had the lights low and soft music playing. I found myself justing starring at our precious little angel - crying - I think this was the first time I've been able to just "be" and really think about what a special gift he is...
I just wanted to share a link to her Facebook page with a preview of the pictures. She always does an amazing job!
JK Mitchell Photography
We started with the whole family around 6:30 pm. The older kids and Billy left around 7:15 and I stayed with Houston to get some pictures of just him. He was a little stinker and decided that he didn't want to sleep. Kahlia was VERY patient. Houston finally began his deep sleep after 9 pm. She had the lights low and soft music playing. I found myself justing starring at our precious little angel - crying - I think this was the first time I've been able to just "be" and really think about what a special gift he is...
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Welcome to the world - Houston David Harris
Houston David Harris was born July 22, 2012 at 10:55 am weighing in at 9lbs 1oz, 21 inches long and 40.6 weeks gestation. Isn't he just perfect???
My first look at our big guy.
Houston with mommy and daddy for the first time.
Wow! This has been such a long emotional journey but so thankful it is a trip Billy and I decided to take. Houston is absolutely perfect! And yes, as I hold him I can't help but think that this is the child that multiple doctors encouraged us to terminate back in mid-January. Emotional - maybe its the hormones of pregnancy and birth but I think it has more to do with the tangible fruits of a miracle that our God gave us. I am just in awe...and so in love with our new little guy.
I was hopeful for an easy uneventful delivery but that just doesn't really jive with the rest of this pregnancy. I started having mild, consistent contractions Saturday afternoon. They weren't painful but just to play it safe I started using my iPhone ContractionMaster App (yep there's an app for that!). The app alerted me it was time to call the doctor when my contractions were about 5 minutes apart and 1 minute long. Again the contractions were not painful so I know I wasn't in hard labor but given the history here I decided to call and head on in to the hospital.
We got all settled in our L & D room around midnight and started monitoring Houston and the contractions. This was after two different nurses tried to start an IV in three different places...really??? I was so tired but didn't want to sit down for fear the contractions might stop. I was so sure that I was dilating and things would probably move along pretty quickly. The same nurses that had trouble putting in the IV checked for dilation. Their findings in their exact words, "Ummm, I can't find your cervix. Let me get the midwife in here." Things were not off to the smooth start I was hoping for.
The midwife on call came in to do her assessment. She did find my cervix but could not find any kind of opening - no dilation. She suggested we (meaning her) encourage my cervix to open manually. I won't give many details on that, I'll just give you one adjective: PAINFUL. That didn't work. So on to something else. The doctor on call came in to check me and she wanted to try and cut my cervix open. At this point they decided I should go ahead and get an epidural - not for the labor pains but so I could endure the procedure they needed to do.
After the epidural the doctor tried to help my cervix along. She found it!!! But could not find any place on it that seemed to be the natural opening. She worked for probably close to an hour (there was so much blood - that part was a little scary). Then told me to rest and was hopeful that if we gave my body a few more hours I would start to dilate on my own. She came back a few hours later and tried again, again no luck.
The doctor and the midwife both understood how very badly I wanted a vaginal delivery with another surgery looming on the horizon for me. They both tried so hard for me and I could tell that they were probably as disappointed as me that it wasn't working. As soon as the decision to do the C-section was made we were back in the OR in a matter of minutes. Our precious gift was born at 10:55 am....
This whole time I've been on bed rest, 6 months of it, and guess what? The scar tissue from my surgery in February was just in the perfect place to keep my cervix from opening, the scars were protecting our little guy from preterm labor!! The midwife even commented that my cervix was so thin, barely there, that it just didn't make sense that it wouldn't be dilating. I believe this is yet another instance of God showing himself to us...He had Houston protected the whole time....
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Learning to enjoy the quiet....
Today is day nine in the hospital (not that I'm counting). A good friend of mine had to stay in this unit for nearly 60 days with her first child so she tried to prepare me for what this would be like. The High Risk Perinatal (HPR) Unit. Who knew there was a whole unit devoted to keeping women pregnant?
It is actually a pretty nice set up. I have a room with a wonderful view of I285 and the King & Queen buildings here in Atlanta. It really is like my very own little apartment complete with mini fridge, pantry, room service and medical staff. All of the staff have gone above and beyond to make Lil Bit and I comfortable. They all understand that this takes as much of an emotional toll as it does physical. Being in bed for the most part of 2012 has been hard on my body, metabolism has slowed resulting in fatigue and no exercising result in no muscle tone. Emotionally it is difficult to be separated from family, isolated from everything that makes your life "normal."
Please don't mistake the above for a complaint. It is not. I am thankful. I am thankful that still 11 weeks after major surgery I am cancer free and Lil Bit is healthy. I am thankful for an awesome husband that supports and loves me. I am thankful for an incredible family that has stepped in to take care of Walker, Carter and Caroline (and Billy, too of course). I am thankful for friends, neighbors, coworkers that have made sure our family has been well feed since January. I am thankful for a team of doctors that are collaborating to determine the best possible care for Lil Bit and me. I am thankful for a God that loves me despite my shortcomings and His many promises of unconditional love. So very much to be thankful for...
Here at the hospital, bed rest means bed rest. I do have restroom and shower privileges (not all the women on this floor are that lucky). I also am allowed one 30 minute wheel chair ride a day. Other than that it is expected that I am lying in bed. One if not two doctors stop by to see me daily. The nurses monitor Lil Bit's heart tones and my uterine contractions periodically and of course vitals several times a day. I have been visited by family, friends, dietitians, case workers, a music therapist and volunteers with Happy Tails (dog therapy).
Yesterday I had an ultrasound to check my cervical length and of course check out Lil Bit to make sure he was alright. He is perfectly healthy and growing as he should. My cervix did measure shorter than it did last Wednesday. It was 1.4 cm this week compared to 1.7 cm last week. The doctors will measure again on Monday and also do an ultrasound then to determine how much he weighs at this point. They will also repeat the fetal fibronectin test on Monday. The doctors will use all this information to decide if they feel it is safe to send us home. The original plan was to discharge us at 28 weeks (next Monday). But over the past couple of days there's been mention of 32 if not 34 weeks.
I am hopeful that we'll go home next week. I want what is best for Lil Bit and Walker, Carter and Caroline. This hasn't been an easy journey for our family...we have tried our best to keep things as normal as possible for them but what's normal about your mommy being away in a hospital? Its all about perspective I guess...a few months of sacrifice on all our parts for a lifetime with this miracle, this Lil Bit that God has blessed us with.
I love the lyrics of Laura Story's song Blessings, always helps me reevaluate my attitude:
It is actually a pretty nice set up. I have a room with a wonderful view of I285 and the King & Queen buildings here in Atlanta. It really is like my very own little apartment complete with mini fridge, pantry, room service and medical staff. All of the staff have gone above and beyond to make Lil Bit and I comfortable. They all understand that this takes as much of an emotional toll as it does physical. Being in bed for the most part of 2012 has been hard on my body, metabolism has slowed resulting in fatigue and no exercising result in no muscle tone. Emotionally it is difficult to be separated from family, isolated from everything that makes your life "normal."
Please don't mistake the above for a complaint. It is not. I am thankful. I am thankful that still 11 weeks after major surgery I am cancer free and Lil Bit is healthy. I am thankful for an awesome husband that supports and loves me. I am thankful for an incredible family that has stepped in to take care of Walker, Carter and Caroline (and Billy, too of course). I am thankful for friends, neighbors, coworkers that have made sure our family has been well feed since January. I am thankful for a team of doctors that are collaborating to determine the best possible care for Lil Bit and me. I am thankful for a God that loves me despite my shortcomings and His many promises of unconditional love. So very much to be thankful for...
Here at the hospital, bed rest means bed rest. I do have restroom and shower privileges (not all the women on this floor are that lucky). I also am allowed one 30 minute wheel chair ride a day. Other than that it is expected that I am lying in bed. One if not two doctors stop by to see me daily. The nurses monitor Lil Bit's heart tones and my uterine contractions periodically and of course vitals several times a day. I have been visited by family, friends, dietitians, case workers, a music therapist and volunteers with Happy Tails (dog therapy).
Yesterday I had an ultrasound to check my cervical length and of course check out Lil Bit to make sure he was alright. He is perfectly healthy and growing as he should. My cervix did measure shorter than it did last Wednesday. It was 1.4 cm this week compared to 1.7 cm last week. The doctors will measure again on Monday and also do an ultrasound then to determine how much he weighs at this point. They will also repeat the fetal fibronectin test on Monday. The doctors will use all this information to decide if they feel it is safe to send us home. The original plan was to discharge us at 28 weeks (next Monday). But over the past couple of days there's been mention of 32 if not 34 weeks.
I am hopeful that we'll go home next week. I want what is best for Lil Bit and Walker, Carter and Caroline. This hasn't been an easy journey for our family...we have tried our best to keep things as normal as possible for them but what's normal about your mommy being away in a hospital? Its all about perspective I guess...a few months of sacrifice on all our parts for a lifetime with this miracle, this Lil Bit that God has blessed us with.
I love the lyrics of Laura Story's song Blessings, always helps me reevaluate my attitude:
We pray for blessings, We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise...
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Only 26 weeks...too soon for a baby....
Well, our doctors have warned us all along that hospital bed rest would most likely be a part of our journey. And here we are. The evening of Monday April 9 I started cramping and thought about calling the doctor but then decided to try and sleep it off. Tuesday morning when I woke up I was still cramping so I decided to call the doctor (around 7:30 am). I knew it wasn't contractions after having 3 other children but considering where we've been the past few months I didn't want to miss anything.
Is it a good or bad sign when the doctor's answering service has your name flagged? When you actually have your doctor's cell phone numbers? As soon as I gave her my name she said she would have someone call me immediately. Less than three minutes later my doctor was calling. He set up an appointment for me to come into the closest office at 8:45 am. There he told me they would do a fetal fibronectin test and an ultrasound. Nanny Starr was staying with us this week so she got the kids off to school and then me off to the doctor.
Fetal fibronectin (fFN) is something I have never heard of. The test was a simple swab of my cervix. The ultrasounds are old hat to us now. The ultrasound didn't show any cervical shortening or funneling - great news. They sent me home and said the results from the fFN would take a while and they would call with the results. I went home and climbed in bed hoping the cramping would ease up if I rested and stayed off my feet. About 2:00 that afternoon the OB office called to let me know that the fFN was positive and that I should head to the hospital.
While I was resting I did a little research on fFN just so I would know what the doctors were talking about. This is a protein that "glues" Lil Bit to my uterus. If it is negative then that is a pretty good indicator that labor is not coming, that he is still "glued" tight even with preterm symptoms. If it is positive then there is a 51% chance labor will start within two weeks. So while this test is not highly predictive on its own it is just another piece to the puzzle.
I started packing a bag and trying to think of all the things I might need. It was very difficult to think about Lil Bit coming this early - I really didn't need anything for him other than the Cord Blood Collection Kit - if he came into the world now, we wouldn't be bringing him home until July as he would be in the NICU for months. Then of course more worry...what are we going to do with the kids? Walker had a baseball game that night (I know not that important in the grand scheme of things but to Walker would have been the end of the world if he had to miss it.) I called Billy and told him he needed to meet us at the hospital. Nanny Starr loaded us all up and we headed down 400 to Northside Hospital. As soon as Billy got to the hospital Starr was off to the ball fields with the kids.
They got me into a Labor and Delivery room pretty quickly and started developing our plan to convince Lil Bit to hold off making an appearance. They started me on IV fluids since dehydration can often lead to contractions/cramping. They decided that two rounds of steroids would be appropriate since they would help decrease medical complications of for a preemie and put me on the monitor. The monitor was not picking up any uterine contractions which was curious since I was still cramping. The next thought was that I was fighting an infection (maybe from the surgery site or a UTI) that was causing the cramping so they started IV rocephine (a pretty heavy duty antibiotic).
It is such a blessing to have other children in this situation to help divert some of the focus off what could be a very serious situation. Billy asked the nurse (of course he asked if it was OK with me first) if she thought he had time to make it to Walker's game and then head back to the hospital. She assured him that they were going to stop whatever was going on and he should go. He returned after the game in time to talk with our OB and for a consult with the Neonatologist. The OB told us that it would be best for me to stay at least until 28 weeks (April 23) and that they would reassess my cervix and fFN at that point and make a decision. The Neonatologist was there to prepare us for what to expect if Lil Bit was born a 26 weeks...scary, scary statistics. Brain bleeds, blind, deaf, respiratory issues, intestinal infections and of course death to name a few of the challenges. He tells us that 85% of babies this early do live but of that 85% only about 1/3 have no long lasting medical complications. Every day longer in the womb reduces the risk of complications but it seems 34 weeks is that "magic" time when the statistics really start to look best.
When Billy and I decided to try the radical trachelecotomy in February we knew the risk of a preterm delivery because of a shorten cervix. It was a risk we were willing to take to save Lil Bit. It still doesn't make it easier to hear...every parent wants the best for their child...no parent wants to think that a decision made in the best interest of their child might result in harm...
They kept me overnight in Labor and Delivery. I stayed on the monitor all night while they pumped me full of IV fluids, steroids and antibiotics. When my OB doctor came in the next morning he said, "we are in uncharted waters with you. We are going to play this conservatively and keep you until 28 weeks." That afternoon a room opened up on the High Risk Perinatal Floor (HRP). Seems this will be my home for at least two weeks.
Again this verse, a promise from my God, has been great comfort. God has been so good to us and continues to bless our family.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11(NIV)
Is it a good or bad sign when the doctor's answering service has your name flagged? When you actually have your doctor's cell phone numbers? As soon as I gave her my name she said she would have someone call me immediately. Less than three minutes later my doctor was calling. He set up an appointment for me to come into the closest office at 8:45 am. There he told me they would do a fetal fibronectin test and an ultrasound. Nanny Starr was staying with us this week so she got the kids off to school and then me off to the doctor.
Fetal fibronectin (fFN) is something I have never heard of. The test was a simple swab of my cervix. The ultrasounds are old hat to us now. The ultrasound didn't show any cervical shortening or funneling - great news. They sent me home and said the results from the fFN would take a while and they would call with the results. I went home and climbed in bed hoping the cramping would ease up if I rested and stayed off my feet. About 2:00 that afternoon the OB office called to let me know that the fFN was positive and that I should head to the hospital.
While I was resting I did a little research on fFN just so I would know what the doctors were talking about. This is a protein that "glues" Lil Bit to my uterus. If it is negative then that is a pretty good indicator that labor is not coming, that he is still "glued" tight even with preterm symptoms. If it is positive then there is a 51% chance labor will start within two weeks. So while this test is not highly predictive on its own it is just another piece to the puzzle.
I started packing a bag and trying to think of all the things I might need. It was very difficult to think about Lil Bit coming this early - I really didn't need anything for him other than the Cord Blood Collection Kit - if he came into the world now, we wouldn't be bringing him home until July as he would be in the NICU for months. Then of course more worry...what are we going to do with the kids? Walker had a baseball game that night (I know not that important in the grand scheme of things but to Walker would have been the end of the world if he had to miss it.) I called Billy and told him he needed to meet us at the hospital. Nanny Starr loaded us all up and we headed down 400 to Northside Hospital. As soon as Billy got to the hospital Starr was off to the ball fields with the kids.
They got me into a Labor and Delivery room pretty quickly and started developing our plan to convince Lil Bit to hold off making an appearance. They started me on IV fluids since dehydration can often lead to contractions/cramping. They decided that two rounds of steroids would be appropriate since they would help decrease medical complications of for a preemie and put me on the monitor. The monitor was not picking up any uterine contractions which was curious since I was still cramping. The next thought was that I was fighting an infection (maybe from the surgery site or a UTI) that was causing the cramping so they started IV rocephine (a pretty heavy duty antibiotic).
It is such a blessing to have other children in this situation to help divert some of the focus off what could be a very serious situation. Billy asked the nurse (of course he asked if it was OK with me first) if she thought he had time to make it to Walker's game and then head back to the hospital. She assured him that they were going to stop whatever was going on and he should go. He returned after the game in time to talk with our OB and for a consult with the Neonatologist. The OB told us that it would be best for me to stay at least until 28 weeks (April 23) and that they would reassess my cervix and fFN at that point and make a decision. The Neonatologist was there to prepare us for what to expect if Lil Bit was born a 26 weeks...scary, scary statistics. Brain bleeds, blind, deaf, respiratory issues, intestinal infections and of course death to name a few of the challenges. He tells us that 85% of babies this early do live but of that 85% only about 1/3 have no long lasting medical complications. Every day longer in the womb reduces the risk of complications but it seems 34 weeks is that "magic" time when the statistics really start to look best.
When Billy and I decided to try the radical trachelecotomy in February we knew the risk of a preterm delivery because of a shorten cervix. It was a risk we were willing to take to save Lil Bit. It still doesn't make it easier to hear...every parent wants the best for their child...no parent wants to think that a decision made in the best interest of their child might result in harm...
They kept me overnight in Labor and Delivery. I stayed on the monitor all night while they pumped me full of IV fluids, steroids and antibiotics. When my OB doctor came in the next morning he said, "we are in uncharted waters with you. We are going to play this conservatively and keep you until 28 weeks." That afternoon a room opened up on the High Risk Perinatal Floor (HRP). Seems this will be my home for at least two weeks.
Again this verse, a promise from my God, has been great comfort. God has been so good to us and continues to bless our family.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11(NIV)
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Another great week...
Seems to be that I'm on the road to recovery. It is getting easier to move around but I still get exhausted doing the smallest tasks. After taking a shower I feel like I've just run a marathon (sad I know)! I spoke with a nurse to see if that was normal. She said to expect one week of recovery for every hour I was under anesthesia. So that would be about four weeks - this is week two - half way there!
My incision sites (x5) are healing nicely, the actual internal surgery site is still very tender. I have to remind myself how many internal stitches I have. It is easy to forget when you can't see them. I so want to pick up Caroline but I can't. Small price to pay I guess for my life and the life our growing Lil Man (yep it's a boy)!
We had another OB appointment today and again were totally blessed with the outcome. These weekly ultrasounds really help put my mind at ease. He looked fabulous. Still no indication that he was affected AT ALL by the surgery or the medications associated with it. My cervix is still closed and looks from the abdominal ultrasound to be the same as a regular pregnancy. Next week, when I have healed a little more, they most likely will do a vaginal ultrasound as well to ensure all the stitches are still intact and get a more accurate measurement of my cervix.
At this point it seems I will be able to carry him full term (well, 36ish weeks at least). Much better than a point a few weeks ago when doctors were saying 28 weeks. I did ask if there was a possibility that I could forgo the C-section and have a vaginal delivery - I think the doctor didn't know how to answer (he probably wanted to say..."are you crazy, woman??") - but did say it was "a potential." That would be awesome, another miracle, since it would give me a chance to meet Lil Man and a chance to nurse him without being under too many medications.
Then I asked if I really NEEDED the hysterectomy since it seems all the cancer was removed with the radical trachelectomy. So reality sets in again. His words exactly, "Megan, you are STILL a cancer patient. You have adenocarcinoma, a very aggressive cancer."
Okay, okay so mom says I keep pushing the envelope...but God can do it. He has already
answered "BIGGER" than I ever asked. He is in control...He can do it! A good friend of Billy's mom just sent me so notecards that she made for me. The scripture she choose to print on them is:
"Your FAITH should not stand in the wisdom of men but in the POWER of God." 1 Corinthians 2:9
I am so grateful for the POWER of my God...He has made it so very obvious to us....
My incision sites (x5) are healing nicely, the actual internal surgery site is still very tender. I have to remind myself how many internal stitches I have. It is easy to forget when you can't see them. I so want to pick up Caroline but I can't. Small price to pay I guess for my life and the life our growing Lil Man (yep it's a boy)!
We had another OB appointment today and again were totally blessed with the outcome. These weekly ultrasounds really help put my mind at ease. He looked fabulous. Still no indication that he was affected AT ALL by the surgery or the medications associated with it. My cervix is still closed and looks from the abdominal ultrasound to be the same as a regular pregnancy. Next week, when I have healed a little more, they most likely will do a vaginal ultrasound as well to ensure all the stitches are still intact and get a more accurate measurement of my cervix.
At this point it seems I will be able to carry him full term (well, 36ish weeks at least). Much better than a point a few weeks ago when doctors were saying 28 weeks. I did ask if there was a possibility that I could forgo the C-section and have a vaginal delivery - I think the doctor didn't know how to answer (he probably wanted to say..."are you crazy, woman??") - but did say it was "a potential." That would be awesome, another miracle, since it would give me a chance to meet Lil Man and a chance to nurse him without being under too many medications.
Then I asked if I really NEEDED the hysterectomy since it seems all the cancer was removed with the radical trachelectomy. So reality sets in again. His words exactly, "Megan, you are STILL a cancer patient. You have adenocarcinoma, a very aggressive cancer."
Okay, okay so mom says I keep pushing the envelope...but God can do it. He has already
answered "BIGGER" than I ever asked. He is in control...He can do it! A good friend of Billy's mom just sent me so notecards that she made for me. The scripture she choose to print on them is:
"Your FAITH should not stand in the wisdom of men but in the POWER of God." 1 Corinthians 2:9
I am so grateful for the POWER of my God...He has made it so very obvious to us....
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Successful Surgery!!!
As Megan and I sit in the hospital room at MD Anderson, she is still a little groggy from all of the medications and anesthesia from yesterday's surgery. Therefore, I get the pleasure of updating her blog with the incredible news of AMAZING GRACE.
The surgery was a complete success. In fact, the results were better than what we could have ever expected. Megan and baby are 100% healthy. Dr. Ramirez told me after the surgery that he was able to remove all of the cancerous cells. He's going to send off some tissue samples and lymph nodes for further evaluation, but if his initial assessment is correct, Megan should now be cancer-free! This means she won't need to go through any radiation or chemo after the baby is born. All she will need to do is have a hysterectomy at the time of the birth. She has truly been touched by the healing hand of God. Jeremiah 32:27 "I am the Lord, the God of all mankind; is there anything too hard for me?"
The type of surgery performed was a trachelectomy. One of the Anesthesiologists last night told me that Dr. Ramirez is one of only a few GYN Oncologists in the world that is willing to perform this surgery on an expecting mother. How amazing is it that the Lord opened this door to us? The resounding recommendation from the doctors in Atlanta was to terminate the pregnancy, and immediately start radiation and chemo. The Atlanta doctors gave Megan anywhere from a 70% to 85% cure rate, depending on who you spoke to. Fast forward to today where Megan seemingly is cancer-free and the baby is healthy as can be at 16.5 weeks. The power of prayer is undeniable. Prayers from family members, friends, churches, Bible studies, colleagues at work, teachers, students, and friends from all of the above have played a significant role in allowing us to be treated at MD Anderson and leading us to Dr. Ramirez.
During the visit today from Dr. Ramirez, he admitted that the results from this surgery exceeded his expectations. This is only the 6th time he has performed this surgery, so our hope is that we are paving the way for more expecting mothers to evaluate all options before making a final decision. Next steps: Megan will be discharged from the hospital tomorrow afternoon (Friday). Our flight home is scheduled for Saturday evening. Megan will now be working closely with her OB and Maternal Fetal Specialist in Atlanta. Since part of her cervix had to be removed during the surgery, our concern now turns to making sure our baby makes it to term. A pre-term birth could potentially have serious complications for the health of the baby. Our goal is to get to at least 32 weeks, which means we passed the halfway point earlier this week.
Please continue to pray for Lil' Bit as he/she continues to develop and grow. It's been a wonderful and fulfilling two days. Megan and I give all the glory to Him. Thank you for everyone's prayers and support. I know it has made a difference. God Bless, Bill
The surgery was a complete success. In fact, the results were better than what we could have ever expected. Megan and baby are 100% healthy. Dr. Ramirez told me after the surgery that he was able to remove all of the cancerous cells. He's going to send off some tissue samples and lymph nodes for further evaluation, but if his initial assessment is correct, Megan should now be cancer-free! This means she won't need to go through any radiation or chemo after the baby is born. All she will need to do is have a hysterectomy at the time of the birth. She has truly been touched by the healing hand of God. Jeremiah 32:27 "I am the Lord, the God of all mankind; is there anything too hard for me?"
The type of surgery performed was a trachelectomy. One of the Anesthesiologists last night told me that Dr. Ramirez is one of only a few GYN Oncologists in the world that is willing to perform this surgery on an expecting mother. How amazing is it that the Lord opened this door to us? The resounding recommendation from the doctors in Atlanta was to terminate the pregnancy, and immediately start radiation and chemo. The Atlanta doctors gave Megan anywhere from a 70% to 85% cure rate, depending on who you spoke to. Fast forward to today where Megan seemingly is cancer-free and the baby is healthy as can be at 16.5 weeks. The power of prayer is undeniable. Prayers from family members, friends, churches, Bible studies, colleagues at work, teachers, students, and friends from all of the above have played a significant role in allowing us to be treated at MD Anderson and leading us to Dr. Ramirez.
During the visit today from Dr. Ramirez, he admitted that the results from this surgery exceeded his expectations. This is only the 6th time he has performed this surgery, so our hope is that we are paving the way for more expecting mothers to evaluate all options before making a final decision. Next steps: Megan will be discharged from the hospital tomorrow afternoon (Friday). Our flight home is scheduled for Saturday evening. Megan will now be working closely with her OB and Maternal Fetal Specialist in Atlanta. Since part of her cervix had to be removed during the surgery, our concern now turns to making sure our baby makes it to term. A pre-term birth could potentially have serious complications for the health of the baby. Our goal is to get to at least 32 weeks, which means we passed the halfway point earlier this week.
Please continue to pray for Lil' Bit as he/she continues to develop and grow. It's been a wonderful and fulfilling two days. Megan and I give all the glory to Him. Thank you for everyone's prayers and support. I know it has made a difference. God Bless, Bill
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Tomorrow's the day...
Our first appointment at MDA was at 8 am this morning and we finished seeing people around 3 pm. Needless to say a very busy day. I am exhausted, not so sure it is purely physical exhaustion, or what is making me feel this way. Of course it could be the pregnancy, the cancer, the eight tubes of blood taken today, the stress - most likely a combination of all of these.
One difficult part of this - besides the exhaustion - I feel great! At times it just doesn't make sense to me that I could really have this disease. Well, look at me, this is what cancer looks like...scary because I don't look any different than the rest of the world...
Back to our day. Anesthesiologist appointment went well no real concerns (besides this whole cancer thing I am pretty darn healthy!). EKG showed I have a heart that works and then off to have blood drawn. From there we meet with an RN who is MDA's liaison for pregnant patients. She consults with all pregnant patients that enter MDA. The nurse doing my EKG said that they see about 140 patients a day - do you know how many patients the pregnant with cancer RN sees? Only about 20 patients a year! So of course I asked how many with cervical cancer. She said not very many...about half of her patients have breast cancer. So again, here we are, unchartered territory. Most pregnant women with cervical cancer are not given much of an option in terms of treatment - all are encouraged (before 20ish weeks) to terminate the pregnancy. She was very supportive and encouraged me to reach out to other women that are survivors in similar circumstances - I will, just not ready for that quite yet.
The end result of this meeting was agreeing to be part of a registry that will help treat these kinds of cases in the future. Our next meeting was with another RN to invite us to be a part of another research study based on our case. I joined another registry a week of so ago out of New Jersey with Cooper University Hospital. Following that we were asked to participate in yet another study. The science geek in me finds this all pretty cool...and shows me another purpose for this journey.
Finally to end our day we got to meet with Dr. Ramirez and one of the MDA Fellows. This was the part of the day when the gravity of my situation hit me. I've know this was serious from the beginning but I was so focused on developing a game plan for treatment that I guess I just didn't allow myself to think about the actual physical part of this surgery. The meeting centered around all the consent forms and potential risks involved in tomorrow's surgery. The surgery itself will take 3-4 hours and will be done completely robotically. We check in tomorrow morning at 6 am CT.
I am confident that Bill and I have followed the path that God set before us and that we are making the right decision for my treatment. There are still, medically, so many uncertainties associated with this procedure tomorrow for both Lil Bit and me. I do know that with God there are no uncertainties.
Our sermon at FBCA this Sunday was out of James (I believe Pastor Walker may have been given this word by God specifically for Bill and I to hear). Also, several friends have sent this very scripture to me for encouragement today:
James 1:2-4Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
5-8If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.
Oh Dear Jesus, I come to you tonight earnestly asking you to protect Lil Bit and myself. I ask boldly and believingly!!!
One difficult part of this - besides the exhaustion - I feel great! At times it just doesn't make sense to me that I could really have this disease. Well, look at me, this is what cancer looks like...scary because I don't look any different than the rest of the world...
Back to our day. Anesthesiologist appointment went well no real concerns (besides this whole cancer thing I am pretty darn healthy!). EKG showed I have a heart that works and then off to have blood drawn. From there we meet with an RN who is MDA's liaison for pregnant patients. She consults with all pregnant patients that enter MDA. The nurse doing my EKG said that they see about 140 patients a day - do you know how many patients the pregnant with cancer RN sees? Only about 20 patients a year! So of course I asked how many with cervical cancer. She said not very many...about half of her patients have breast cancer. So again, here we are, unchartered territory. Most pregnant women with cervical cancer are not given much of an option in terms of treatment - all are encouraged (before 20ish weeks) to terminate the pregnancy. She was very supportive and encouraged me to reach out to other women that are survivors in similar circumstances - I will, just not ready for that quite yet.
The end result of this meeting was agreeing to be part of a registry that will help treat these kinds of cases in the future. Our next meeting was with another RN to invite us to be a part of another research study based on our case. I joined another registry a week of so ago out of New Jersey with Cooper University Hospital. Following that we were asked to participate in yet another study. The science geek in me finds this all pretty cool...and shows me another purpose for this journey.
Finally to end our day we got to meet with Dr. Ramirez and one of the MDA Fellows. This was the part of the day when the gravity of my situation hit me. I've know this was serious from the beginning but I was so focused on developing a game plan for treatment that I guess I just didn't allow myself to think about the actual physical part of this surgery. The meeting centered around all the consent forms and potential risks involved in tomorrow's surgery. The surgery itself will take 3-4 hours and will be done completely robotically. We check in tomorrow morning at 6 am CT.
I am confident that Bill and I have followed the path that God set before us and that we are making the right decision for my treatment. There are still, medically, so many uncertainties associated with this procedure tomorrow for both Lil Bit and me. I do know that with God there are no uncertainties.
Our sermon at FBCA this Sunday was out of James (I believe Pastor Walker may have been given this word by God specifically for Bill and I to hear). Also, several friends have sent this very scripture to me for encouragement today:
James 1:2-4Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
5-8If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.
Oh Dear Jesus, I come to you tonight earnestly asking you to protect Lil Bit and myself. I ask boldly and believingly!!!
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Overwhelmed, humbled, grateful...
WOW...wow! We are so overwhelmed, in a good way, by all our friends, family and strangers that have offered their prayers and support. There are no words for us to express our gratitude and quite frankly it is a little uncomfortable. Again, not in a bad way. Bill nor I are used to having to ask for help - it is a very humbling place to be. Actually, we are not even having to ask for help now...so many generous, caring, loving people have just stepped up to help us out.
Just a few examples:
1. A neighbor of ours (Denise) has offered to coordinate food for our family throughout the course of this treatment. (If you would like to be included on the list for that please just FB message me your email or leave your email address in the comments and I will forward that to her).
2. Neighbors have also volunteered to arrange play dates for the kids (they are going to be so spoiled!).
3. A local service we use contacted me and let us know that they would still provide the service but don't want us to pay...really, who does that??? People that love you!
4. Roswell High School has been incredible!! The first week of this I called to coordinate lesson plans for my students. You know what they said? "Don't worry about it we have everything covered!" OK...if you know anything about education how often would you find a group of high school teachers that would give up their planning time to teach someone else's classes for an extended period of time? And the administration has been beyond understanding as well...again I am humbled. Thank you Abby, Heather, Ginny, Becky, Beth, Megan, Steve, Ellen and Jerome (please forgive me if I left someone off the list - I will do a whole post just about you if I did!!).
5. My sister-in-law, Jenn, started a Praying for Megan event on FB to invite people to pray during our surgery on Wednesday morning. Following that lead, my HOME church, where I grew up, was baptized and married, Flintstone Baptist Church started another FB event. They are opening the church 6:30 am - noon on Wednesday for a time of prayer for us. Really??? I don't even know what to say...I again am humbled.
6. Of course my family...mom (Lynda), dad (Ed), Nanny Starr and Daddy Bill, my brother (Tim), sister (Leigh) and their families, great friends Je and Rie Rie have all been such a great source of strength and comfort.
A cousin of ours, Renee', has also been a great source of comfort for me. She has provided us with scriptural guidance and support (along with so many others). But this is why I am mentioning her. I told her about the outpouring of love and support. She said, "Take it!" Her point was that the Bible teaches that God loves his children "lavishly." This is God's way, in such an unimaginable circumstance, to show us His lavish love. These are His children, His followers, His believers that He has given a burden to help us and by doing that showing us His lavish love. Well, we feel "lavishly loved!"
After speaking with Renee' I researched a little about God's lavish love and found this on a site called "One Passion One Devotion":
Just a few examples:
1. A neighbor of ours (Denise) has offered to coordinate food for our family throughout the course of this treatment. (If you would like to be included on the list for that please just FB message me your email or leave your email address in the comments and I will forward that to her).
2. Neighbors have also volunteered to arrange play dates for the kids (they are going to be so spoiled!).
3. A local service we use contacted me and let us know that they would still provide the service but don't want us to pay...really, who does that??? People that love you!
4. Roswell High School has been incredible!! The first week of this I called to coordinate lesson plans for my students. You know what they said? "Don't worry about it we have everything covered!" OK...if you know anything about education how often would you find a group of high school teachers that would give up their planning time to teach someone else's classes for an extended period of time? And the administration has been beyond understanding as well...again I am humbled. Thank you Abby, Heather, Ginny, Becky, Beth, Megan, Steve, Ellen and Jerome (please forgive me if I left someone off the list - I will do a whole post just about you if I did!!).
5. My sister-in-law, Jenn, started a Praying for Megan event on FB to invite people to pray during our surgery on Wednesday morning. Following that lead, my HOME church, where I grew up, was baptized and married, Flintstone Baptist Church started another FB event. They are opening the church 6:30 am - noon on Wednesday for a time of prayer for us. Really??? I don't even know what to say...I again am humbled.
6. Of course my family...mom (Lynda), dad (Ed), Nanny Starr and Daddy Bill, my brother (Tim), sister (Leigh) and their families, great friends Je and Rie Rie have all been such a great source of strength and comfort.
A cousin of ours, Renee', has also been a great source of comfort for me. She has provided us with scriptural guidance and support (along with so many others). But this is why I am mentioning her. I told her about the outpouring of love and support. She said, "Take it!" Her point was that the Bible teaches that God loves his children "lavishly." This is God's way, in such an unimaginable circumstance, to show us His lavish love. These are His children, His followers, His believers that He has given a burden to help us and by doing that showing us His lavish love. Well, we feel "lavishly loved!"
After speaking with Renee' I researched a little about God's lavish love and found this on a site called "One Passion One Devotion":
Psalm 103:8-12
The LORD is merciful! He is kind and patient, and his love never fails. The LORD won’t always be angry and point out our sins; he doesn’t punish us as our sins deserve. How great is God’s love for all who worship him? Greater than the distance between heaven and earth! How far has the LORD taken our sins from us? Farther than the distance from east to west!
God’s love is so lavish. We can bravely and boldly approach his presence and throne of grace and throne of holiness and find all we need because God is lavish and abundant in his love. Do we see God as a crusty old judge with a stick ready to beat us at every move??? that is not a correct persception of God. get into your heart how lavish the love of God is towards you.
it was lavishly expressed in the life of Jesus.
it was lavishly exprsesed in the sacrifice of Jesus.
it is lavishly expressed in God alive in me, making me new, transforming me, accepting me.
Lavish.
1 John 3:1 How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!
Friday, January 27, 2012
Yet another God-incidence...
Since getting the word that we were heading back to Houston next week I have been trying to rearrange appointments and make sure the house is in good enough order that mom and Nanny Starr can jump in to take over for the kids.
I had my 16 week OB appointment scheduled for next week so I wanted to reschedule before we left...a little peace of mind getting to hear Lil Bit's heartbeat and of course the other blood work that was supposed to be done at the 16 week appointment. When I called yesterday to reschedule I told the lady on the phone, "I don't care which location, which doctor or midwife, I just would like to get in Friday or Monday." She put me hold for a moment.
When she came back she let me know that there was an available appointment Friday morning at 9:10. "Great!" I said, "I'll take it!" She told me which location and which doctor AFTER I had accepted that appointment time...here's the God-incidence...
Tuesday evening January 17 a doctor from my OB/GYN practice, whom I had never met, called me around 8:30 pm AT HOME. I had called the office earlier in the day to speak with the doctor I had been seeing to try and get a referral to MD Anderson. She called her colleague and gave him our story. She had done this because he did a fellowship out at MD Anderson and she felt he would know best who to contact. When he called he had already spoken with his contacts at MD Anderson and told me they were expecting my call the following morning. Guess which doctor I just "so happened" to get an appointment with? Yep...the one that made it possible for us to get into MD Anderson so quickly!
As soon as the lady on the phone said his name...I started crying. I knew immediately that God was in control of this situation. This was NOT a coincidence but a God-incidence....kind of gives me chills to think about it...
As soon as he walked into the exam room I said. "This might be totally inappropriate, but do you mind if I give you a hug?" He said not at all and gave me the biggest hug. This was a man that went totally above and beyond to help me, a patient he had never met. In fact, the whole practice has gone above and beyond to help us get connected to the right people and get my medical records to those places quickly.
The OB check up was great! Lil Bit's heart rate was a healthy 147 bpm. (My blood pressure was low - seems odd given the stress I've been under!) This doctor talked with me about what we could expect to happen WHEN the surgery goes as planned next Wednesday. He explained that ideally he would like me to carry Lil Bit to 34 weeks but of course he wasn't worried if it is few weeks earlier since Northside Hospital has an outstanding NICU. He walked me through who would be there for the delivery (lets just say an army of doctors), what I could expect for me and what to expect for baby. The visit gave me even more PEACE about the health and well being of Lil Bit. Again, just like Dr. Ramirez, he did caution that the amputation surgery is NOT the standard of care but since that is what Bill and I have decided is best for our family we now have a team of doctors in Houston and Atlanta consulting together to have a healthy mom and baby early this summer.
Jeremiah 32:27 "I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?"
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Wait for it....
Mid morning yesterday I got a call from Houston. I was so excited to see the caller id. Well, it wasn't what I was expecting. A nice woman was asked to call me to inform me that the Tumor Board that was supposed to meet today was being postponed until next Thursday because of scheduling conflicts between the doctors. She continued to say that Dr. Ramirez would not be able to give me any recommendation for treatment until that board met. FRUSTRATED. Another week? It seems it has been months since I got the diagnosis but looking back at the calendar it has only been two and a half weeks.
I decided to send Dr. Ramirez an email. I explained that I was concerned because all the doctors we saw here in Atlanta had a real sense of urgency in terms of starting treatment. Waiting another week was concerning to me. I worked for probably 45 minutes trying to draft an email that didn't sound pushy, obsessive or rude. Still not sure if I achieved those things, but the email is sent and now forever part of my medical records!
Phone calls and emails finished for the morning so I was off to get Miss Caroline from school. More discussions with teachers at her school - more tears. Driving home my cell phone rings - its Houston! I answered the phone and Dr. Ramirez was on the other end. I was in my car so I didn't have my notebook with all the questions I had for him and I wasn't expecting a call - I was just listening. He very factually starts to give me the results of the biopsy and MRI.
"The biopsy confirms a malignancy," he says. "The MRI shows the tumor at its largest is 3.8 cm. We can do the amputation of the cervix if that is how you want to proceed." Just as a little back story here - the radiologist here in Atlanta, from the same MRI, said the tumor was 5.5 cm at its largest. My explanation for the difference...MIRACLE!
That is the answer we wanted, the answer I have prayed earnestly for. This is the only way that we can try to protect Little Bit and me! He is willing to do it!!! The only question I could ask is the prognosis if we do this. "This is not the standard of care, the standard of care is to end the pregnancy and treat you immediately." I know this but don't want to hear it again. He continues, "I have treated five cases similar to this and in all 5 mom and baby are healthy." Great news right? Then he cautions....5 cases is NOT enough scientific/medical evidence to change the standard of care. There simply is not enough medical data available to adequately put a numerical risk percentage on this procedure. During the amputation they will also remove my pelvic lymph nodes for biopsy. If there is any evidence of lymph node involvement - we are back to square one and really no option but to lose Little Bit. Still so many "what ifs and if/thens."
So, here were are again...cautiously optimistic. I have even begun thinking of names for our Little Bit - not too much yet - but at least at this point I think a fantastic middle name if she is a princess is Hope (that choice is obvious!) and if he is a prince I think David (a fighter of giants) is very fitting. As much as I want to plan for the future with 4 healthy children I also know that I have to first live in the present and make sure that I am hopeful yet realistic about all that lies ahead.
When Bill and I left Houston last Friday we were discussing the possible options and how we would choose to proceed with each. We decided that God had made a way, opened this huge gate (not even a door to me anymore) to go to MD Anderson. We both felt that if I were a candidate for this surgery this was God's way of showing us clearly what steps to take. And if Dr. Ramirez came back and said it just wasn't possible then we would have to accept that we would lose this baby. Well, again we got the answer we both had prayed for - but now for the first time I am scared. Scared.
I have always considered myself to be a devout Christian but I have truly never had to BE devout. I have been blessed beyond measure, I won't say that things in life have always come easy to me, I have had to work for things I've wanted. But I also have never truly and wholeheartedly had to TRUST God with my literal LIFE. That's were I stand now - we have to trust Him. Proverbs 3:5 - "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy way acknowledge Him and He shall direct they paths." God has been our tour guide thus far - may Bill and I find the courage to keep following!
Forgot to add: We are tentatively scheduled to have this amputation surgery in Houston next Wednesday. Once confirmed I will let everyone know times so that I can give all those praying for us more specific guidance in terms of prayer. Thanks so much for the emails, meals, play dates, messages, cards, texts and phone calls - each one is so precious to us!
I decided to send Dr. Ramirez an email. I explained that I was concerned because all the doctors we saw here in Atlanta had a real sense of urgency in terms of starting treatment. Waiting another week was concerning to me. I worked for probably 45 minutes trying to draft an email that didn't sound pushy, obsessive or rude. Still not sure if I achieved those things, but the email is sent and now forever part of my medical records!
Phone calls and emails finished for the morning so I was off to get Miss Caroline from school. More discussions with teachers at her school - more tears. Driving home my cell phone rings - its Houston! I answered the phone and Dr. Ramirez was on the other end. I was in my car so I didn't have my notebook with all the questions I had for him and I wasn't expecting a call - I was just listening. He very factually starts to give me the results of the biopsy and MRI.
"The biopsy confirms a malignancy," he says. "The MRI shows the tumor at its largest is 3.8 cm. We can do the amputation of the cervix if that is how you want to proceed." Just as a little back story here - the radiologist here in Atlanta, from the same MRI, said the tumor was 5.5 cm at its largest. My explanation for the difference...MIRACLE!
That is the answer we wanted, the answer I have prayed earnestly for. This is the only way that we can try to protect Little Bit and me! He is willing to do it!!! The only question I could ask is the prognosis if we do this. "This is not the standard of care, the standard of care is to end the pregnancy and treat you immediately." I know this but don't want to hear it again. He continues, "I have treated five cases similar to this and in all 5 mom and baby are healthy." Great news right? Then he cautions....5 cases is NOT enough scientific/medical evidence to change the standard of care. There simply is not enough medical data available to adequately put a numerical risk percentage on this procedure. During the amputation they will also remove my pelvic lymph nodes for biopsy. If there is any evidence of lymph node involvement - we are back to square one and really no option but to lose Little Bit. Still so many "what ifs and if/thens."
So, here were are again...cautiously optimistic. I have even begun thinking of names for our Little Bit - not too much yet - but at least at this point I think a fantastic middle name if she is a princess is Hope (that choice is obvious!) and if he is a prince I think David (a fighter of giants) is very fitting. As much as I want to plan for the future with 4 healthy children I also know that I have to first live in the present and make sure that I am hopeful yet realistic about all that lies ahead.
When Bill and I left Houston last Friday we were discussing the possible options and how we would choose to proceed with each. We decided that God had made a way, opened this huge gate (not even a door to me anymore) to go to MD Anderson. We both felt that if I were a candidate for this surgery this was God's way of showing us clearly what steps to take. And if Dr. Ramirez came back and said it just wasn't possible then we would have to accept that we would lose this baby. Well, again we got the answer we both had prayed for - but now for the first time I am scared. Scared.
I have always considered myself to be a devout Christian but I have truly never had to BE devout. I have been blessed beyond measure, I won't say that things in life have always come easy to me, I have had to work for things I've wanted. But I also have never truly and wholeheartedly had to TRUST God with my literal LIFE. That's were I stand now - we have to trust Him. Proverbs 3:5 - "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy way acknowledge Him and He shall direct they paths." God has been our tour guide thus far - may Bill and I find the courage to keep following!
Forgot to add: We are tentatively scheduled to have this amputation surgery in Houston next Wednesday. Once confirmed I will let everyone know times so that I can give all those praying for us more specific guidance in terms of prayer. Thanks so much for the emails, meals, play dates, messages, cards, texts and phone calls - each one is so precious to us!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Still waiting...
Still no word from Houston this morning. I called again yesterday afternoon to speak with Dr. Ramirez's nurse. The pathology report from last Thursday's biopsy was ready and the MRI results were in so she had forwarded that information to Dr. Ramirez. As of yesterday afternoon my biopsy slides from Atlanta (that were OVERNIGHTED last Wednesday) had still not arrived. She thought he might call me last night but that he might also want to wait to make his recommendations after seeing the previous biopsy slides.
This whole experience is so surreal. There is this horrible cloud of uncertainty enveloping us but at the same time life continues almost flawlessly with three children to care for here. Bill (not that I would have expected any different) has been absolutely AMAZING, supportive of what I am feeling but at the same time gently reminding me what he feels is best for our family. I believe he is starting to really feel the stress of the situation between missing time at work, helping with the kids, and of course the financial worries that come with facing cancer. He ordered us the Livestrong guide to cancer - it came in the mail yesterday - our very own guide book to direct us through the maze and mess of diagnosis, staging, treatment and recovery. Please continue to pray for him...one thing that I have come to realize is that I don't have cancer...it is our whole family with cancer struggling to make our way through.
I have noticed that, in public anyway, I am not crying nearly as much. I talked with mom and a friend about this yesterday trying to figure out why. Am I in denial? Already desensitized? Too tired? Then I realized, it is my God. He is still walking right here beside us, hugging us, holding our hands, giving me some peace. Part of my devotional today was "Hold My hand in childlike trust, and the way before you will open up step by step." As I've said before, this is a CHOICE that Bill and I are making to turn this over to our Lord and it is not the way I feel every moment of every day but I am trying.
After dropping Caroline off at her school this morning and answering some questions about our journey with a teacher there (I did hold it together there while the teacher was crying) when I pulled into the garage the song "Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns was playing on my phone. I lost it..crying, begging God to give us the answer I want, please, please, please God show us a way to protect Little Bit and me....this is my selfish prayer. I write this not so people will feel sorry for the situation we are in...but to understand that even as Christians, trusting in a loving God and seeking His will for us...we are still of the flesh, human, living in a world where the devil tries to throw circumstances at us to test our faith...the devil does test it, doesn't he?
This whole experience is so surreal. There is this horrible cloud of uncertainty enveloping us but at the same time life continues almost flawlessly with three children to care for here. Bill (not that I would have expected any different) has been absolutely AMAZING, supportive of what I am feeling but at the same time gently reminding me what he feels is best for our family. I believe he is starting to really feel the stress of the situation between missing time at work, helping with the kids, and of course the financial worries that come with facing cancer. He ordered us the Livestrong guide to cancer - it came in the mail yesterday - our very own guide book to direct us through the maze and mess of diagnosis, staging, treatment and recovery. Please continue to pray for him...one thing that I have come to realize is that I don't have cancer...it is our whole family with cancer struggling to make our way through.
I have noticed that, in public anyway, I am not crying nearly as much. I talked with mom and a friend about this yesterday trying to figure out why. Am I in denial? Already desensitized? Too tired? Then I realized, it is my God. He is still walking right here beside us, hugging us, holding our hands, giving me some peace. Part of my devotional today was "Hold My hand in childlike trust, and the way before you will open up step by step." As I've said before, this is a CHOICE that Bill and I are making to turn this over to our Lord and it is not the way I feel every moment of every day but I am trying.
After dropping Caroline off at her school this morning and answering some questions about our journey with a teacher there (I did hold it together there while the teacher was crying) when I pulled into the garage the song "Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns was playing on my phone. I lost it..crying, begging God to give us the answer I want, please, please, please God show us a way to protect Little Bit and me....this is my selfish prayer. I write this not so people will feel sorry for the situation we are in...but to understand that even as Christians, trusting in a loving God and seeking His will for us...we are still of the flesh, human, living in a world where the devil tries to throw circumstances at us to test our faith...the devil does test it, doesn't he?
Monday, January 23, 2012
Getting "good" at the art of waiting...
When we left MD Anderson on Thursday, Dr. Ramirez told us that he would give us a call sometime today with a treatment recommendation. In a way I didn't want him to call (still that denial part) but of course I am ready for some resolution.
We sent mom and dad home on Saturday since this week we have no scheduled appointments and I have been released from bed rest. I thought that it would be nice being home today, alone, just having the time and space that I thought I needed to try and make sense of the last few weeks. It turns out to be one of the hardest days thus far - alone - waiting.
Late afternoon rolled around and I still had not heard from Dr. Ramirez so I called to speak with his nurse. She let me know that the radiologist had read my MRI but that they were still waiting on the slides from our local doctors so that their lab could verify the pathology reports. The slides were supposed to have been overnighted last Wednesday to be there Thursday...somehow that didn't happen (not my local doctors fault - it was the lab they use somewhere in Alabama). She thinks he should have all of this by tomorrow and will most likely call us tomorrow afternoon (maybe Wednesday) with his recommendation.
I do trust in God's plan for the life of our family. I know that Baby Harris is a miracle. I believe in the power and authority of my Great Physician. Still, I'm human. I know that if there is anyway that Dr. Ramirez can perform the surgery that will save our baby that God will make that happen for us. I am terrified, however, that might not be part of the plan He has for us - that God's plan might not include Bill and I getting to hold, comfort and raise this miracle - that the kids don't get to know their brother or sister on this earth.
We sent mom and dad home on Saturday since this week we have no scheduled appointments and I have been released from bed rest. I thought that it would be nice being home today, alone, just having the time and space that I thought I needed to try and make sense of the last few weeks. It turns out to be one of the hardest days thus far - alone - waiting.
Late afternoon rolled around and I still had not heard from Dr. Ramirez so I called to speak with his nurse. She let me know that the radiologist had read my MRI but that they were still waiting on the slides from our local doctors so that their lab could verify the pathology reports. The slides were supposed to have been overnighted last Wednesday to be there Thursday...somehow that didn't happen (not my local doctors fault - it was the lab they use somewhere in Alabama). She thinks he should have all of this by tomorrow and will most likely call us tomorrow afternoon (maybe Wednesday) with his recommendation.
I do trust in God's plan for the life of our family. I know that Baby Harris is a miracle. I believe in the power and authority of my Great Physician. Still, I'm human. I know that if there is anyway that Dr. Ramirez can perform the surgery that will save our baby that God will make that happen for us. I am terrified, however, that might not be part of the plan He has for us - that God's plan might not include Bill and I getting to hold, comfort and raise this miracle - that the kids don't get to know their brother or sister on this earth.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Pregnant with Cancer - one good thing, you get first priority
The past few days have been an answer to prayers. Tuesday morning (January 17) I called MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, TX and asked for an appointment. They told me that it would be the second week in February before anyone could see me without a doctor's referral. I immediately hung up the phone and called my OB. That evening around 8:30 pm an OB from my practice (one I have never met) called me at home and said he had discussed our case with a med school friend of his at MD Anderson and told me to call the next morning to get an appointment.
Wednesday, January 18 (my birthday) I called around 11 am. After getting to the right person she said, "Can you be here tomorrow at 7:30 am?" I didn't know what to say....I called Bill at work and he said we would make it happen. And we did. We flew out to Houston that evening. This is not a coincidence - this is a God incidence. Is there really any other way to explain it? God opened this door for us and we are so grateful.
We got the opportunity to met with Dr. Pedro Ramirez (I'm using his name so you can pray for him, too - and his staff of course). Exam, conference, blood work, chest X-ray, and another biopsy - this place is a well oiled machine. He told us that we would be able to give his personal recommendation for treatment by Monday of next week but would not have the official treatment plan until he presents our case to the Tumor Board next Thursday. We again are in that "hurrying up and wait" place that is so uncertain when you are diagnosed with cancer. We are leaving Houston this evening to return to Atlanta - still with many unanswered questions - but with a cautious optimism that he haven't felt thus far in this journey. One answer we do have is that MD Anderson is the place we should be for my treatment.
Wednesday, January 18 (my birthday) I called around 11 am. After getting to the right person she said, "Can you be here tomorrow at 7:30 am?" I didn't know what to say....I called Bill at work and he said we would make it happen. And we did. We flew out to Houston that evening. This is not a coincidence - this is a God incidence. Is there really any other way to explain it? God opened this door for us and we are so grateful.
We got the opportunity to met with Dr. Pedro Ramirez (I'm using his name so you can pray for him, too - and his staff of course). Exam, conference, blood work, chest X-ray, and another biopsy - this place is a well oiled machine. He told us that we would be able to give his personal recommendation for treatment by Monday of next week but would not have the official treatment plan until he presents our case to the Tumor Board next Thursday. We again are in that "hurrying up and wait" place that is so uncertain when you are diagnosed with cancer. We are leaving Houston this evening to return to Atlanta - still with many unanswered questions - but with a cautious optimism that he haven't felt thus far in this journey. One answer we do have is that MD Anderson is the place we should be for my treatment.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Not so good at the bed rest...
It has been a long weekend not doing anything - amazing how nothing can be so exhausting. I've enjoyed having Mom here to help with the kids and house. She has been pretty strict making me rest (reminds me a lot of high school!). I convinced her it would be alright for me to shower.
I was drying my hair around 2:00 pm when Mom brought me the phone. It was the OB office calling with Thursday's biopsy results. The doctor says, "I hate to tell you this over the phone, but you have cervical cancer." This is the exact moment my world stopped. Pregnant and cancer...this can't be a good combination. The doctor continued to explain the results from the biopsy. She didn't have the actual report back yet but the lab had called her to let her know the results. She had already consulted with a gynecological oncologist - they were expecting my call she says. You know how you can just tell from someone's tone of voice that things aren't good?
I pulled myself together to finish our phone conversation. I did ask several questions - most of which she didn't have enough information to answer. She warned me, however, that it would be highly unlikely to save our baby. I got off the phone, told mom, and we both just sat and sobbed for a while. It was time to get the boys from the bus stop so mom left. I crawled into bed, in the fetal position, and called Billy. I had to call the office to get him out of a meeting. Somehow I found the words to tell him the diagnosis...all I remember was him telling me he would be home right away.
The unknown is one of the scariest places to be...it is our choice to either let our human minds create monsters that aren't actually there or to turn to our loving Creator God and seek His presence and guidance. It is a choice...and it's not always easy....
I was drying my hair around 2:00 pm when Mom brought me the phone. It was the OB office calling with Thursday's biopsy results. The doctor says, "I hate to tell you this over the phone, but you have cervical cancer." This is the exact moment my world stopped. Pregnant and cancer...this can't be a good combination. The doctor continued to explain the results from the biopsy. She didn't have the actual report back yet but the lab had called her to let her know the results. She had already consulted with a gynecological oncologist - they were expecting my call she says. You know how you can just tell from someone's tone of voice that things aren't good?
I pulled myself together to finish our phone conversation. I did ask several questions - most of which she didn't have enough information to answer. She warned me, however, that it would be highly unlikely to save our baby. I got off the phone, told mom, and we both just sat and sobbed for a while. It was time to get the boys from the bus stop so mom left. I crawled into bed, in the fetal position, and called Billy. I had to call the office to get him out of a meeting. Somehow I found the words to tell him the diagnosis...all I remember was him telling me he would be home right away.
The unknown is one of the scariest places to be...it is our choice to either let our human minds create monsters that aren't actually there or to turn to our loving Creator God and seek His presence and guidance. It is a choice...and it's not always easy....
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Supposed to be an easy day at work
Boys off to the bus stop at 6:50 and I came home to finish getting dressed for the first day of second semester with my high school freshmen. Is it bad that I actually missed those guys?
I went to the restroom and found that I was bleeding badly - my heart sank. I just knew I was having a miscarriage even though two days earlier we had a great OB check-up. I immediately called work and told them I couldn't be there and then my doctor.
The doctor told me to get to the office as soon as I could. I called Billy and he met me there. They did the ultrasound and baby looked great - no red flags at all from what she could see. She did say that I had a low lying placenta again (same with Caroline early on in that pregnancy) and was certain that was were the bleeding was coming from.
Once we met with the doctor and I shared with her my ongoing symptoms she decided to do an exam. In hindsight, I could tell by her expression that things were not as they should be. She decided to do a biopsy and even said if she wasn't satisfied with the pathology report that she would send us to see an oncologist. Biopsy and oncologist in the same sentence? She could see my concern from what she had said so she quickly followed with "but that doesn't mean its cancer."
The end result of that meeting was complete bed rest for a week, that the bleeding was actually coming from my cervix (not baby) and wait for path report. Bill tried to ease my fears - but I think I already knew - something through this pregnancy just hadn't felt right. I know all pregnancies are different but I have just felt so bad from the very beginning.
I called mom as soon as I got in the car...I think the only thing I could get out was "Mom, what are you doing for the next week? We need you. How fast can you get here?" She tried to ask me questions but I was crying to hard to even attempt to answer.
I went to the restroom and found that I was bleeding badly - my heart sank. I just knew I was having a miscarriage even though two days earlier we had a great OB check-up. I immediately called work and told them I couldn't be there and then my doctor.
The doctor told me to get to the office as soon as I could. I called Billy and he met me there. They did the ultrasound and baby looked great - no red flags at all from what she could see. She did say that I had a low lying placenta again (same with Caroline early on in that pregnancy) and was certain that was were the bleeding was coming from.
Once we met with the doctor and I shared with her my ongoing symptoms she decided to do an exam. In hindsight, I could tell by her expression that things were not as they should be. She decided to do a biopsy and even said if she wasn't satisfied with the pathology report that she would send us to see an oncologist. Biopsy and oncologist in the same sentence? She could see my concern from what she had said so she quickly followed with "but that doesn't mean its cancer."
The end result of that meeting was complete bed rest for a week, that the bleeding was actually coming from my cervix (not baby) and wait for path report. Bill tried to ease my fears - but I think I already knew - something through this pregnancy just hadn't felt right. I know all pregnancies are different but I have just felt so bad from the very beginning.
I called mom as soon as I got in the car...I think the only thing I could get out was "Mom, what are you doing for the next week? We need you. How fast can you get here?" She tried to ask me questions but I was crying to hard to even attempt to answer.
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