Our first appointment at MDA was at 8 am this morning and we finished seeing people around 3 pm. Needless to say a very busy day. I am exhausted, not so sure it is purely physical exhaustion, or what is making me feel this way. Of course it could be the pregnancy, the cancer, the eight tubes of blood taken today, the stress - most likely a combination of all of these.
One difficult part of this - besides the exhaustion - I feel great! At times it just doesn't make sense to me that I could really have this disease. Well, look at me, this is what cancer looks like...scary because I don't look any different than the rest of the world...
Back to our day. Anesthesiologist appointment went well no real concerns (besides this whole cancer thing I am pretty darn healthy!). EKG showed I have a heart that works and then off to have blood drawn. From there we meet with an RN who is MDA's liaison for pregnant patients. She consults with all pregnant patients that enter MDA. The nurse doing my EKG said that they see about 140 patients a day - do you know how many patients the pregnant with cancer RN sees? Only about 20 patients a year! So of course I asked how many with cervical cancer. She said not very many...about half of her patients have breast cancer. So again, here we are, unchartered territory. Most pregnant women with cervical cancer are not given much of an option in terms of treatment - all are encouraged (before 20ish weeks) to terminate the pregnancy. She was very supportive and encouraged me to reach out to other women that are survivors in similar circumstances - I will, just not ready for that quite yet.
The end result of this meeting was agreeing to be part of a registry that will help treat these kinds of cases in the future. Our next meeting was with another RN to invite us to be a part of another research study based on our case. I joined another registry a week of so ago out of New Jersey with Cooper University Hospital. Following that we were asked to participate in yet another study. The science geek in me finds this all pretty cool...and shows me another purpose for this journey.
Finally to end our day we got to meet with Dr. Ramirez and one of the MDA Fellows. This was the part of the day when the gravity of my situation hit me. I've know this was serious from the beginning but I was so focused on developing a game plan for treatment that I guess I just didn't allow myself to think about the actual physical part of this surgery. The meeting centered around all the consent forms and potential risks involved in tomorrow's surgery. The surgery itself will take 3-4 hours and will be done completely robotically. We check in tomorrow morning at 6 am CT.
I am confident that Bill and I have followed the path that God set before us and that we are making the right decision for my treatment. There are still, medically, so many uncertainties associated with this procedure tomorrow for both Lil Bit and me. I do know that with God there are no uncertainties.
Our sermon at FBCA this Sunday was out of James (I believe Pastor Walker may have been given this word by God specifically for Bill and I to hear). Also, several friends have sent this very scripture to me for encouragement today:
James 1:2-4Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
5-8If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.
Oh Dear Jesus, I come to you tonight earnestly asking you to protect Lil Bit and myself. I ask boldly and believingly!!!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Overwhelmed, humbled, grateful...
WOW...wow! We are so overwhelmed, in a good way, by all our friends, family and strangers that have offered their prayers and support. There are no words for us to express our gratitude and quite frankly it is a little uncomfortable. Again, not in a bad way. Bill nor I are used to having to ask for help - it is a very humbling place to be. Actually, we are not even having to ask for help now...so many generous, caring, loving people have just stepped up to help us out.
Just a few examples:
1. A neighbor of ours (Denise) has offered to coordinate food for our family throughout the course of this treatment. (If you would like to be included on the list for that please just FB message me your email or leave your email address in the comments and I will forward that to her).
2. Neighbors have also volunteered to arrange play dates for the kids (they are going to be so spoiled!).
3. A local service we use contacted me and let us know that they would still provide the service but don't want us to pay...really, who does that??? People that love you!
4. Roswell High School has been incredible!! The first week of this I called to coordinate lesson plans for my students. You know what they said? "Don't worry about it we have everything covered!" OK...if you know anything about education how often would you find a group of high school teachers that would give up their planning time to teach someone else's classes for an extended period of time? And the administration has been beyond understanding as well...again I am humbled. Thank you Abby, Heather, Ginny, Becky, Beth, Megan, Steve, Ellen and Jerome (please forgive me if I left someone off the list - I will do a whole post just about you if I did!!).
5. My sister-in-law, Jenn, started a Praying for Megan event on FB to invite people to pray during our surgery on Wednesday morning. Following that lead, my HOME church, where I grew up, was baptized and married, Flintstone Baptist Church started another FB event. They are opening the church 6:30 am - noon on Wednesday for a time of prayer for us. Really??? I don't even know what to say...I again am humbled.
6. Of course my family...mom (Lynda), dad (Ed), Nanny Starr and Daddy Bill, my brother (Tim), sister (Leigh) and their families, great friends Je and Rie Rie have all been such a great source of strength and comfort.
A cousin of ours, Renee', has also been a great source of comfort for me. She has provided us with scriptural guidance and support (along with so many others). But this is why I am mentioning her. I told her about the outpouring of love and support. She said, "Take it!" Her point was that the Bible teaches that God loves his children "lavishly." This is God's way, in such an unimaginable circumstance, to show us His lavish love. These are His children, His followers, His believers that He has given a burden to help us and by doing that showing us His lavish love. Well, we feel "lavishly loved!"
After speaking with Renee' I researched a little about God's lavish love and found this on a site called "One Passion One Devotion":
Just a few examples:
1. A neighbor of ours (Denise) has offered to coordinate food for our family throughout the course of this treatment. (If you would like to be included on the list for that please just FB message me your email or leave your email address in the comments and I will forward that to her).
2. Neighbors have also volunteered to arrange play dates for the kids (they are going to be so spoiled!).
3. A local service we use contacted me and let us know that they would still provide the service but don't want us to pay...really, who does that??? People that love you!
4. Roswell High School has been incredible!! The first week of this I called to coordinate lesson plans for my students. You know what they said? "Don't worry about it we have everything covered!" OK...if you know anything about education how often would you find a group of high school teachers that would give up their planning time to teach someone else's classes for an extended period of time? And the administration has been beyond understanding as well...again I am humbled. Thank you Abby, Heather, Ginny, Becky, Beth, Megan, Steve, Ellen and Jerome (please forgive me if I left someone off the list - I will do a whole post just about you if I did!!).
5. My sister-in-law, Jenn, started a Praying for Megan event on FB to invite people to pray during our surgery on Wednesday morning. Following that lead, my HOME church, where I grew up, was baptized and married, Flintstone Baptist Church started another FB event. They are opening the church 6:30 am - noon on Wednesday for a time of prayer for us. Really??? I don't even know what to say...I again am humbled.
6. Of course my family...mom (Lynda), dad (Ed), Nanny Starr and Daddy Bill, my brother (Tim), sister (Leigh) and their families, great friends Je and Rie Rie have all been such a great source of strength and comfort.
A cousin of ours, Renee', has also been a great source of comfort for me. She has provided us with scriptural guidance and support (along with so many others). But this is why I am mentioning her. I told her about the outpouring of love and support. She said, "Take it!" Her point was that the Bible teaches that God loves his children "lavishly." This is God's way, in such an unimaginable circumstance, to show us His lavish love. These are His children, His followers, His believers that He has given a burden to help us and by doing that showing us His lavish love. Well, we feel "lavishly loved!"
After speaking with Renee' I researched a little about God's lavish love and found this on a site called "One Passion One Devotion":
Psalm 103:8-12
The LORD is merciful! He is kind and patient, and his love never fails. The LORD won’t always be angry and point out our sins; he doesn’t punish us as our sins deserve. How great is God’s love for all who worship him? Greater than the distance between heaven and earth! How far has the LORD taken our sins from us? Farther than the distance from east to west!
God’s love is so lavish. We can bravely and boldly approach his presence and throne of grace and throne of holiness and find all we need because God is lavish and abundant in his love. Do we see God as a crusty old judge with a stick ready to beat us at every move??? that is not a correct persception of God. get into your heart how lavish the love of God is towards you.
it was lavishly expressed in the life of Jesus.
it was lavishly exprsesed in the sacrifice of Jesus.
it is lavishly expressed in God alive in me, making me new, transforming me, accepting me.
Lavish.
1 John 3:1 How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!
Friday, January 27, 2012
Yet another God-incidence...
Since getting the word that we were heading back to Houston next week I have been trying to rearrange appointments and make sure the house is in good enough order that mom and Nanny Starr can jump in to take over for the kids.
I had my 16 week OB appointment scheduled for next week so I wanted to reschedule before we left...a little peace of mind getting to hear Lil Bit's heartbeat and of course the other blood work that was supposed to be done at the 16 week appointment. When I called yesterday to reschedule I told the lady on the phone, "I don't care which location, which doctor or midwife, I just would like to get in Friday or Monday." She put me hold for a moment.
When she came back she let me know that there was an available appointment Friday morning at 9:10. "Great!" I said, "I'll take it!" She told me which location and which doctor AFTER I had accepted that appointment time...here's the God-incidence...
Tuesday evening January 17 a doctor from my OB/GYN practice, whom I had never met, called me around 8:30 pm AT HOME. I had called the office earlier in the day to speak with the doctor I had been seeing to try and get a referral to MD Anderson. She called her colleague and gave him our story. She had done this because he did a fellowship out at MD Anderson and she felt he would know best who to contact. When he called he had already spoken with his contacts at MD Anderson and told me they were expecting my call the following morning. Guess which doctor I just "so happened" to get an appointment with? Yep...the one that made it possible for us to get into MD Anderson so quickly!
As soon as the lady on the phone said his name...I started crying. I knew immediately that God was in control of this situation. This was NOT a coincidence but a God-incidence....kind of gives me chills to think about it...
As soon as he walked into the exam room I said. "This might be totally inappropriate, but do you mind if I give you a hug?" He said not at all and gave me the biggest hug. This was a man that went totally above and beyond to help me, a patient he had never met. In fact, the whole practice has gone above and beyond to help us get connected to the right people and get my medical records to those places quickly.
The OB check up was great! Lil Bit's heart rate was a healthy 147 bpm. (My blood pressure was low - seems odd given the stress I've been under!) This doctor talked with me about what we could expect to happen WHEN the surgery goes as planned next Wednesday. He explained that ideally he would like me to carry Lil Bit to 34 weeks but of course he wasn't worried if it is few weeks earlier since Northside Hospital has an outstanding NICU. He walked me through who would be there for the delivery (lets just say an army of doctors), what I could expect for me and what to expect for baby. The visit gave me even more PEACE about the health and well being of Lil Bit. Again, just like Dr. Ramirez, he did caution that the amputation surgery is NOT the standard of care but since that is what Bill and I have decided is best for our family we now have a team of doctors in Houston and Atlanta consulting together to have a healthy mom and baby early this summer.
Jeremiah 32:27 "I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?"
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Wait for it....
Mid morning yesterday I got a call from Houston. I was so excited to see the caller id. Well, it wasn't what I was expecting. A nice woman was asked to call me to inform me that the Tumor Board that was supposed to meet today was being postponed until next Thursday because of scheduling conflicts between the doctors. She continued to say that Dr. Ramirez would not be able to give me any recommendation for treatment until that board met. FRUSTRATED. Another week? It seems it has been months since I got the diagnosis but looking back at the calendar it has only been two and a half weeks.
I decided to send Dr. Ramirez an email. I explained that I was concerned because all the doctors we saw here in Atlanta had a real sense of urgency in terms of starting treatment. Waiting another week was concerning to me. I worked for probably 45 minutes trying to draft an email that didn't sound pushy, obsessive or rude. Still not sure if I achieved those things, but the email is sent and now forever part of my medical records!
Phone calls and emails finished for the morning so I was off to get Miss Caroline from school. More discussions with teachers at her school - more tears. Driving home my cell phone rings - its Houston! I answered the phone and Dr. Ramirez was on the other end. I was in my car so I didn't have my notebook with all the questions I had for him and I wasn't expecting a call - I was just listening. He very factually starts to give me the results of the biopsy and MRI.
"The biopsy confirms a malignancy," he says. "The MRI shows the tumor at its largest is 3.8 cm. We can do the amputation of the cervix if that is how you want to proceed." Just as a little back story here - the radiologist here in Atlanta, from the same MRI, said the tumor was 5.5 cm at its largest. My explanation for the difference...MIRACLE!
That is the answer we wanted, the answer I have prayed earnestly for. This is the only way that we can try to protect Little Bit and me! He is willing to do it!!! The only question I could ask is the prognosis if we do this. "This is not the standard of care, the standard of care is to end the pregnancy and treat you immediately." I know this but don't want to hear it again. He continues, "I have treated five cases similar to this and in all 5 mom and baby are healthy." Great news right? Then he cautions....5 cases is NOT enough scientific/medical evidence to change the standard of care. There simply is not enough medical data available to adequately put a numerical risk percentage on this procedure. During the amputation they will also remove my pelvic lymph nodes for biopsy. If there is any evidence of lymph node involvement - we are back to square one and really no option but to lose Little Bit. Still so many "what ifs and if/thens."
So, here were are again...cautiously optimistic. I have even begun thinking of names for our Little Bit - not too much yet - but at least at this point I think a fantastic middle name if she is a princess is Hope (that choice is obvious!) and if he is a prince I think David (a fighter of giants) is very fitting. As much as I want to plan for the future with 4 healthy children I also know that I have to first live in the present and make sure that I am hopeful yet realistic about all that lies ahead.
When Bill and I left Houston last Friday we were discussing the possible options and how we would choose to proceed with each. We decided that God had made a way, opened this huge gate (not even a door to me anymore) to go to MD Anderson. We both felt that if I were a candidate for this surgery this was God's way of showing us clearly what steps to take. And if Dr. Ramirez came back and said it just wasn't possible then we would have to accept that we would lose this baby. Well, again we got the answer we both had prayed for - but now for the first time I am scared. Scared.
I have always considered myself to be a devout Christian but I have truly never had to BE devout. I have been blessed beyond measure, I won't say that things in life have always come easy to me, I have had to work for things I've wanted. But I also have never truly and wholeheartedly had to TRUST God with my literal LIFE. That's were I stand now - we have to trust Him. Proverbs 3:5 - "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy way acknowledge Him and He shall direct they paths." God has been our tour guide thus far - may Bill and I find the courage to keep following!
Forgot to add: We are tentatively scheduled to have this amputation surgery in Houston next Wednesday. Once confirmed I will let everyone know times so that I can give all those praying for us more specific guidance in terms of prayer. Thanks so much for the emails, meals, play dates, messages, cards, texts and phone calls - each one is so precious to us!
I decided to send Dr. Ramirez an email. I explained that I was concerned because all the doctors we saw here in Atlanta had a real sense of urgency in terms of starting treatment. Waiting another week was concerning to me. I worked for probably 45 minutes trying to draft an email that didn't sound pushy, obsessive or rude. Still not sure if I achieved those things, but the email is sent and now forever part of my medical records!
Phone calls and emails finished for the morning so I was off to get Miss Caroline from school. More discussions with teachers at her school - more tears. Driving home my cell phone rings - its Houston! I answered the phone and Dr. Ramirez was on the other end. I was in my car so I didn't have my notebook with all the questions I had for him and I wasn't expecting a call - I was just listening. He very factually starts to give me the results of the biopsy and MRI.
"The biopsy confirms a malignancy," he says. "The MRI shows the tumor at its largest is 3.8 cm. We can do the amputation of the cervix if that is how you want to proceed." Just as a little back story here - the radiologist here in Atlanta, from the same MRI, said the tumor was 5.5 cm at its largest. My explanation for the difference...MIRACLE!
That is the answer we wanted, the answer I have prayed earnestly for. This is the only way that we can try to protect Little Bit and me! He is willing to do it!!! The only question I could ask is the prognosis if we do this. "This is not the standard of care, the standard of care is to end the pregnancy and treat you immediately." I know this but don't want to hear it again. He continues, "I have treated five cases similar to this and in all 5 mom and baby are healthy." Great news right? Then he cautions....5 cases is NOT enough scientific/medical evidence to change the standard of care. There simply is not enough medical data available to adequately put a numerical risk percentage on this procedure. During the amputation they will also remove my pelvic lymph nodes for biopsy. If there is any evidence of lymph node involvement - we are back to square one and really no option but to lose Little Bit. Still so many "what ifs and if/thens."
So, here were are again...cautiously optimistic. I have even begun thinking of names for our Little Bit - not too much yet - but at least at this point I think a fantastic middle name if she is a princess is Hope (that choice is obvious!) and if he is a prince I think David (a fighter of giants) is very fitting. As much as I want to plan for the future with 4 healthy children I also know that I have to first live in the present and make sure that I am hopeful yet realistic about all that lies ahead.
When Bill and I left Houston last Friday we were discussing the possible options and how we would choose to proceed with each. We decided that God had made a way, opened this huge gate (not even a door to me anymore) to go to MD Anderson. We both felt that if I were a candidate for this surgery this was God's way of showing us clearly what steps to take. And if Dr. Ramirez came back and said it just wasn't possible then we would have to accept that we would lose this baby. Well, again we got the answer we both had prayed for - but now for the first time I am scared. Scared.
I have always considered myself to be a devout Christian but I have truly never had to BE devout. I have been blessed beyond measure, I won't say that things in life have always come easy to me, I have had to work for things I've wanted. But I also have never truly and wholeheartedly had to TRUST God with my literal LIFE. That's were I stand now - we have to trust Him. Proverbs 3:5 - "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy way acknowledge Him and He shall direct they paths." God has been our tour guide thus far - may Bill and I find the courage to keep following!
Forgot to add: We are tentatively scheduled to have this amputation surgery in Houston next Wednesday. Once confirmed I will let everyone know times so that I can give all those praying for us more specific guidance in terms of prayer. Thanks so much for the emails, meals, play dates, messages, cards, texts and phone calls - each one is so precious to us!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Still waiting...
Still no word from Houston this morning. I called again yesterday afternoon to speak with Dr. Ramirez's nurse. The pathology report from last Thursday's biopsy was ready and the MRI results were in so she had forwarded that information to Dr. Ramirez. As of yesterday afternoon my biopsy slides from Atlanta (that were OVERNIGHTED last Wednesday) had still not arrived. She thought he might call me last night but that he might also want to wait to make his recommendations after seeing the previous biopsy slides.
This whole experience is so surreal. There is this horrible cloud of uncertainty enveloping us but at the same time life continues almost flawlessly with three children to care for here. Bill (not that I would have expected any different) has been absolutely AMAZING, supportive of what I am feeling but at the same time gently reminding me what he feels is best for our family. I believe he is starting to really feel the stress of the situation between missing time at work, helping with the kids, and of course the financial worries that come with facing cancer. He ordered us the Livestrong guide to cancer - it came in the mail yesterday - our very own guide book to direct us through the maze and mess of diagnosis, staging, treatment and recovery. Please continue to pray for him...one thing that I have come to realize is that I don't have cancer...it is our whole family with cancer struggling to make our way through.
I have noticed that, in public anyway, I am not crying nearly as much. I talked with mom and a friend about this yesterday trying to figure out why. Am I in denial? Already desensitized? Too tired? Then I realized, it is my God. He is still walking right here beside us, hugging us, holding our hands, giving me some peace. Part of my devotional today was "Hold My hand in childlike trust, and the way before you will open up step by step." As I've said before, this is a CHOICE that Bill and I are making to turn this over to our Lord and it is not the way I feel every moment of every day but I am trying.
After dropping Caroline off at her school this morning and answering some questions about our journey with a teacher there (I did hold it together there while the teacher was crying) when I pulled into the garage the song "Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns was playing on my phone. I lost it..crying, begging God to give us the answer I want, please, please, please God show us a way to protect Little Bit and me....this is my selfish prayer. I write this not so people will feel sorry for the situation we are in...but to understand that even as Christians, trusting in a loving God and seeking His will for us...we are still of the flesh, human, living in a world where the devil tries to throw circumstances at us to test our faith...the devil does test it, doesn't he?
This whole experience is so surreal. There is this horrible cloud of uncertainty enveloping us but at the same time life continues almost flawlessly with three children to care for here. Bill (not that I would have expected any different) has been absolutely AMAZING, supportive of what I am feeling but at the same time gently reminding me what he feels is best for our family. I believe he is starting to really feel the stress of the situation between missing time at work, helping with the kids, and of course the financial worries that come with facing cancer. He ordered us the Livestrong guide to cancer - it came in the mail yesterday - our very own guide book to direct us through the maze and mess of diagnosis, staging, treatment and recovery. Please continue to pray for him...one thing that I have come to realize is that I don't have cancer...it is our whole family with cancer struggling to make our way through.
I have noticed that, in public anyway, I am not crying nearly as much. I talked with mom and a friend about this yesterday trying to figure out why. Am I in denial? Already desensitized? Too tired? Then I realized, it is my God. He is still walking right here beside us, hugging us, holding our hands, giving me some peace. Part of my devotional today was "Hold My hand in childlike trust, and the way before you will open up step by step." As I've said before, this is a CHOICE that Bill and I are making to turn this over to our Lord and it is not the way I feel every moment of every day but I am trying.
After dropping Caroline off at her school this morning and answering some questions about our journey with a teacher there (I did hold it together there while the teacher was crying) when I pulled into the garage the song "Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns was playing on my phone. I lost it..crying, begging God to give us the answer I want, please, please, please God show us a way to protect Little Bit and me....this is my selfish prayer. I write this not so people will feel sorry for the situation we are in...but to understand that even as Christians, trusting in a loving God and seeking His will for us...we are still of the flesh, human, living in a world where the devil tries to throw circumstances at us to test our faith...the devil does test it, doesn't he?
Monday, January 23, 2012
Getting "good" at the art of waiting...
When we left MD Anderson on Thursday, Dr. Ramirez told us that he would give us a call sometime today with a treatment recommendation. In a way I didn't want him to call (still that denial part) but of course I am ready for some resolution.
We sent mom and dad home on Saturday since this week we have no scheduled appointments and I have been released from bed rest. I thought that it would be nice being home today, alone, just having the time and space that I thought I needed to try and make sense of the last few weeks. It turns out to be one of the hardest days thus far - alone - waiting.
Late afternoon rolled around and I still had not heard from Dr. Ramirez so I called to speak with his nurse. She let me know that the radiologist had read my MRI but that they were still waiting on the slides from our local doctors so that their lab could verify the pathology reports. The slides were supposed to have been overnighted last Wednesday to be there Thursday...somehow that didn't happen (not my local doctors fault - it was the lab they use somewhere in Alabama). She thinks he should have all of this by tomorrow and will most likely call us tomorrow afternoon (maybe Wednesday) with his recommendation.
I do trust in God's plan for the life of our family. I know that Baby Harris is a miracle. I believe in the power and authority of my Great Physician. Still, I'm human. I know that if there is anyway that Dr. Ramirez can perform the surgery that will save our baby that God will make that happen for us. I am terrified, however, that might not be part of the plan He has for us - that God's plan might not include Bill and I getting to hold, comfort and raise this miracle - that the kids don't get to know their brother or sister on this earth.
We sent mom and dad home on Saturday since this week we have no scheduled appointments and I have been released from bed rest. I thought that it would be nice being home today, alone, just having the time and space that I thought I needed to try and make sense of the last few weeks. It turns out to be one of the hardest days thus far - alone - waiting.
Late afternoon rolled around and I still had not heard from Dr. Ramirez so I called to speak with his nurse. She let me know that the radiologist had read my MRI but that they were still waiting on the slides from our local doctors so that their lab could verify the pathology reports. The slides were supposed to have been overnighted last Wednesday to be there Thursday...somehow that didn't happen (not my local doctors fault - it was the lab they use somewhere in Alabama). She thinks he should have all of this by tomorrow and will most likely call us tomorrow afternoon (maybe Wednesday) with his recommendation.
I do trust in God's plan for the life of our family. I know that Baby Harris is a miracle. I believe in the power and authority of my Great Physician. Still, I'm human. I know that if there is anyway that Dr. Ramirez can perform the surgery that will save our baby that God will make that happen for us. I am terrified, however, that might not be part of the plan He has for us - that God's plan might not include Bill and I getting to hold, comfort and raise this miracle - that the kids don't get to know their brother or sister on this earth.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Pregnant with Cancer - one good thing, you get first priority
The past few days have been an answer to prayers. Tuesday morning (January 17) I called MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, TX and asked for an appointment. They told me that it would be the second week in February before anyone could see me without a doctor's referral. I immediately hung up the phone and called my OB. That evening around 8:30 pm an OB from my practice (one I have never met) called me at home and said he had discussed our case with a med school friend of his at MD Anderson and told me to call the next morning to get an appointment.
Wednesday, January 18 (my birthday) I called around 11 am. After getting to the right person she said, "Can you be here tomorrow at 7:30 am?" I didn't know what to say....I called Bill at work and he said we would make it happen. And we did. We flew out to Houston that evening. This is not a coincidence - this is a God incidence. Is there really any other way to explain it? God opened this door for us and we are so grateful.
We got the opportunity to met with Dr. Pedro Ramirez (I'm using his name so you can pray for him, too - and his staff of course). Exam, conference, blood work, chest X-ray, and another biopsy - this place is a well oiled machine. He told us that we would be able to give his personal recommendation for treatment by Monday of next week but would not have the official treatment plan until he presents our case to the Tumor Board next Thursday. We again are in that "hurrying up and wait" place that is so uncertain when you are diagnosed with cancer. We are leaving Houston this evening to return to Atlanta - still with many unanswered questions - but with a cautious optimism that he haven't felt thus far in this journey. One answer we do have is that MD Anderson is the place we should be for my treatment.
Wednesday, January 18 (my birthday) I called around 11 am. After getting to the right person she said, "Can you be here tomorrow at 7:30 am?" I didn't know what to say....I called Bill at work and he said we would make it happen. And we did. We flew out to Houston that evening. This is not a coincidence - this is a God incidence. Is there really any other way to explain it? God opened this door for us and we are so grateful.
We got the opportunity to met with Dr. Pedro Ramirez (I'm using his name so you can pray for him, too - and his staff of course). Exam, conference, blood work, chest X-ray, and another biopsy - this place is a well oiled machine. He told us that we would be able to give his personal recommendation for treatment by Monday of next week but would not have the official treatment plan until he presents our case to the Tumor Board next Thursday. We again are in that "hurrying up and wait" place that is so uncertain when you are diagnosed with cancer. We are leaving Houston this evening to return to Atlanta - still with many unanswered questions - but with a cautious optimism that he haven't felt thus far in this journey. One answer we do have is that MD Anderson is the place we should be for my treatment.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Not so good at the bed rest...
It has been a long weekend not doing anything - amazing how nothing can be so exhausting. I've enjoyed having Mom here to help with the kids and house. She has been pretty strict making me rest (reminds me a lot of high school!). I convinced her it would be alright for me to shower.
I was drying my hair around 2:00 pm when Mom brought me the phone. It was the OB office calling with Thursday's biopsy results. The doctor says, "I hate to tell you this over the phone, but you have cervical cancer." This is the exact moment my world stopped. Pregnant and cancer...this can't be a good combination. The doctor continued to explain the results from the biopsy. She didn't have the actual report back yet but the lab had called her to let her know the results. She had already consulted with a gynecological oncologist - they were expecting my call she says. You know how you can just tell from someone's tone of voice that things aren't good?
I pulled myself together to finish our phone conversation. I did ask several questions - most of which she didn't have enough information to answer. She warned me, however, that it would be highly unlikely to save our baby. I got off the phone, told mom, and we both just sat and sobbed for a while. It was time to get the boys from the bus stop so mom left. I crawled into bed, in the fetal position, and called Billy. I had to call the office to get him out of a meeting. Somehow I found the words to tell him the diagnosis...all I remember was him telling me he would be home right away.
The unknown is one of the scariest places to be...it is our choice to either let our human minds create monsters that aren't actually there or to turn to our loving Creator God and seek His presence and guidance. It is a choice...and it's not always easy....
I was drying my hair around 2:00 pm when Mom brought me the phone. It was the OB office calling with Thursday's biopsy results. The doctor says, "I hate to tell you this over the phone, but you have cervical cancer." This is the exact moment my world stopped. Pregnant and cancer...this can't be a good combination. The doctor continued to explain the results from the biopsy. She didn't have the actual report back yet but the lab had called her to let her know the results. She had already consulted with a gynecological oncologist - they were expecting my call she says. You know how you can just tell from someone's tone of voice that things aren't good?
I pulled myself together to finish our phone conversation. I did ask several questions - most of which she didn't have enough information to answer. She warned me, however, that it would be highly unlikely to save our baby. I got off the phone, told mom, and we both just sat and sobbed for a while. It was time to get the boys from the bus stop so mom left. I crawled into bed, in the fetal position, and called Billy. I had to call the office to get him out of a meeting. Somehow I found the words to tell him the diagnosis...all I remember was him telling me he would be home right away.
The unknown is one of the scariest places to be...it is our choice to either let our human minds create monsters that aren't actually there or to turn to our loving Creator God and seek His presence and guidance. It is a choice...and it's not always easy....
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Supposed to be an easy day at work
Boys off to the bus stop at 6:50 and I came home to finish getting dressed for the first day of second semester with my high school freshmen. Is it bad that I actually missed those guys?
I went to the restroom and found that I was bleeding badly - my heart sank. I just knew I was having a miscarriage even though two days earlier we had a great OB check-up. I immediately called work and told them I couldn't be there and then my doctor.
The doctor told me to get to the office as soon as I could. I called Billy and he met me there. They did the ultrasound and baby looked great - no red flags at all from what she could see. She did say that I had a low lying placenta again (same with Caroline early on in that pregnancy) and was certain that was were the bleeding was coming from.
Once we met with the doctor and I shared with her my ongoing symptoms she decided to do an exam. In hindsight, I could tell by her expression that things were not as they should be. She decided to do a biopsy and even said if she wasn't satisfied with the pathology report that she would send us to see an oncologist. Biopsy and oncologist in the same sentence? She could see my concern from what she had said so she quickly followed with "but that doesn't mean its cancer."
The end result of that meeting was complete bed rest for a week, that the bleeding was actually coming from my cervix (not baby) and wait for path report. Bill tried to ease my fears - but I think I already knew - something through this pregnancy just hadn't felt right. I know all pregnancies are different but I have just felt so bad from the very beginning.
I called mom as soon as I got in the car...I think the only thing I could get out was "Mom, what are you doing for the next week? We need you. How fast can you get here?" She tried to ask me questions but I was crying to hard to even attempt to answer.
I went to the restroom and found that I was bleeding badly - my heart sank. I just knew I was having a miscarriage even though two days earlier we had a great OB check-up. I immediately called work and told them I couldn't be there and then my doctor.
The doctor told me to get to the office as soon as I could. I called Billy and he met me there. They did the ultrasound and baby looked great - no red flags at all from what she could see. She did say that I had a low lying placenta again (same with Caroline early on in that pregnancy) and was certain that was were the bleeding was coming from.
Once we met with the doctor and I shared with her my ongoing symptoms she decided to do an exam. In hindsight, I could tell by her expression that things were not as they should be. She decided to do a biopsy and even said if she wasn't satisfied with the pathology report that she would send us to see an oncologist. Biopsy and oncologist in the same sentence? She could see my concern from what she had said so she quickly followed with "but that doesn't mean its cancer."
The end result of that meeting was complete bed rest for a week, that the bleeding was actually coming from my cervix (not baby) and wait for path report. Bill tried to ease my fears - but I think I already knew - something through this pregnancy just hadn't felt right. I know all pregnancies are different but I have just felt so bad from the very beginning.
I called mom as soon as I got in the car...I think the only thing I could get out was "Mom, what are you doing for the next week? We need you. How fast can you get here?" She tried to ask me questions but I was crying to hard to even attempt to answer.
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