Wait for it....

Mid morning yesterday I got a call from Houston.  I was so excited to see the caller id.  Well, it  wasn't what I was expecting.  A nice woman was asked to call me to inform me that the Tumor Board that was supposed to meet today was being postponed until next Thursday because of scheduling conflicts between the doctors.  She continued to say that Dr. Ramirez would not be able to give me any recommendation for treatment until that board met.  FRUSTRATED.  Another week?  It seems it has been months since I got the diagnosis but looking back at the calendar it has only been two and a half weeks.


I decided to send Dr. Ramirez an email.  I explained that I was concerned because all the doctors we saw here in Atlanta had a real sense of urgency in terms of starting treatment.  Waiting another week was concerning to me.  I worked for probably 45 minutes trying to draft an email that didn't sound pushy, obsessive or rude.  Still not sure if I achieved those things, but the email is sent and now forever part of my medical records!


Phone calls and emails finished for the morning so I was off to get Miss Caroline from school.  More discussions with teachers at her school - more tears.  Driving home my cell phone rings - its Houston!  I answered the phone and Dr. Ramirez was on the other end.  I was in my car so I didn't have my notebook with all the questions I had for him and I wasn't expecting a call - I was just listening.  He very factually starts to give me the results of the biopsy and MRI. 


"The biopsy confirms a malignancy," he says.  "The MRI shows the tumor at its largest is 3.8 cm.  We can do the amputation of the cervix if that is how you want to proceed."  Just as a little back story here - the radiologist here in Atlanta, from the same MRI, said the tumor was 5.5 cm at its largest.  My explanation for the difference...MIRACLE!


That is the answer we wanted, the answer I have prayed earnestly for.  This is the only way that we can try to protect Little Bit and me!  He is willing to do it!!!  The only question I could ask is the prognosis if we do this.  "This is not the standard of care, the standard of care is to end the pregnancy and treat you immediately."  I know this but don't want to hear it again.  He continues, "I have treated five cases similar to this and in all 5 mom and baby are healthy."  Great news right?  Then he cautions....5 cases is NOT enough scientific/medical evidence to change the standard of care.  There simply is not enough medical data available to adequately put a numerical risk percentage on this procedure.  During the amputation they will also remove my pelvic lymph nodes for biopsy.  If there is any evidence of lymph node involvement - we are back to square one and really no option but to lose Little Bit.  Still so many "what ifs and if/thens."


So, here were are again...cautiously optimistic.  I have even begun thinking of names for our Little Bit - not too much yet - but at least at this point I think a fantastic middle name if she is a princess is Hope (that choice is obvious!) and if he is a prince I think David (a fighter of giants) is very fitting.  As much as I want to plan for the future with 4 healthy children I also know that I have to first live in the present and make sure that I am hopeful yet realistic about all that lies ahead.


When Bill and I left Houston last Friday we were discussing the possible options and how we would choose to proceed with each.  We decided that God had made a way, opened this huge gate (not even a door to me anymore) to go to MD Anderson.  We both felt that if I were a candidate for this surgery this was God's way of showing us clearly what steps to take.  And if Dr. Ramirez came back and said it just wasn't possible then we would have to accept that we would lose this baby.  Well, again we got the answer we both had prayed for - but now for the first time I am scared.  Scared.


I have always considered myself to be a devout Christian but I have truly never had to BE devout.  I have been blessed beyond measure, I won't say that things in life have always come easy to me, I have had to work for things I've wanted.  But I also have never truly and wholeheartedly had to TRUST God with my literal LIFE.  That's were I stand now - we have to trust Him.  Proverbs 3:5 - "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy way acknowledge Him and He shall direct they paths."  God has been our tour guide thus far - may Bill and I find the courage to keep following!










Forgot to add: We are tentatively scheduled to have this amputation surgery in Houston next Wednesday.  Once confirmed I will let everyone know times so that I can give all those praying for us more specific guidance in terms of prayer.  Thanks so much for the emails, meals, play dates, messages, cards, texts and phone calls - each one is so precious to us!