Still waiting...

Still no word from Houston this morning.  I called again yesterday afternoon to speak with Dr. Ramirez's nurse.  The pathology report from last Thursday's biopsy was ready and the MRI results were in so she had forwarded that information to Dr. Ramirez.  As of yesterday afternoon my biopsy slides from Atlanta (that were OVERNIGHTED last Wednesday) had still not arrived.  She thought he might call me last night but that he might also want to wait to make his recommendations after seeing the previous biopsy slides.


This whole experience is so surreal.   There is this horrible cloud of uncertainty enveloping us but at the same time life continues almost flawlessly with three children to care for here.  Bill (not that I would have expected any different) has been absolutely AMAZING, supportive of what I am feeling but at the same time gently reminding me what he feels is best for our family.  I believe he is starting to really feel the stress of the situation between missing time at work, helping with the kids, and of course the financial worries that come with facing cancer.  He ordered us the Livestrong guide to cancer - it came in the mail yesterday - our very own guide book to direct us through the maze and mess of diagnosis, staging, treatment and recovery.  Please continue to pray for him...one thing that I have come to realize is that I don't have cancer...it is our whole family with cancer struggling to make our way through.


I have noticed that, in public anyway, I am not crying nearly as much.  I talked with mom and a friend about this yesterday trying to figure out why.  Am I in denial?  Already desensitized? Too tired?  Then I realized, it is my God.  He is still walking right here beside us, hugging us, holding our hands, giving me some peace.  Part of my devotional today was "Hold My hand in childlike trust, and the way before you will open up step by step."  As I've said before, this is a CHOICE that Bill and I are making to turn this over to our Lord and it is not the way I feel every moment of every day but I am trying.


After dropping Caroline off at her school this morning and answering some questions about our journey with a teacher there (I did hold it together there while the teacher was crying) when I pulled into the garage the song "Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns was playing on my phone.  I lost it..crying, begging God to give us the answer I want, please, please, please God show us a way to protect Little Bit and me....this is my selfish prayer.  I write this not so people will feel sorry for the situation we are in...but to understand that even as Christians, trusting in a loving God and seeking His will for us...we are still of the flesh, human, living in a world where the devil tries to throw circumstances at us to test our faith...the devil does test it, doesn't he?