Been in denial...time to focus on the healing

I think I've said before, the cancer part of this never really scared me.  I was so focused on what we could do to get Houston here safely that I honestly did not allow myself to think about the cancer so much.  Can you say denial?

Well, that blissful denial is over and its time to start the treatment part of this journey.  Houston is now five weeks old.  Last Thursday I had my post-op appointment with my OB.  She was very pleased with the healing around my incision site and said I was "released to normal activity and to start treatment."  Since then my mind has been racing, mostly centering around how Houston will get feed during all of this.  I am a strong believer that breast-feeding is the BEST nutrition for Houston and I am so trying to make sure that he will have that.  I have been calling and researching Human Milk Banks, Lactation specialists, and Night Nurses - and hopeful we won't have to use any of them.

Today was my first oncologist visit since Houston was born.  I last saw her when I was 36 weeks pregnant.  It was essentially an uneventful appointment.  She said that everything looked good and she was ready to proceed with treatment.  I told her that I didn't really want the hysterectomy - she called me a "cowboy" - and basically said I was crazy if I didn't do the surgery.  I also asked her if she would do a tummy tuck or liposuction for me a the same time...she said she wasn't qualified...what a bummer!

The oncologist ordered a PET scan - which would have been the first thing I would have done back in January if I hadn't been pregnant.  This will give more information than my initial MRI in terms of finding out if there are any other areas that are involved.  I hope to have that done late this week/early next week.  The results of that we determine if I will be having a hysterectomy or radical hysterectomy.  She will also use that (along with the pathology from the tissues removed in the hysterectomy) to determine if radiation and/or chemo will be necessary.  I am hopeful I can have the surgery and be done with this STUPID cancer!

I have been pumping like crazy to have enough milk for Houston during my treatments.  I won't be able to nurse him for 24-48 hours after the PET scan.  I did find out that Houston will be able to stay in the hospital with me after the hysterectomy - that eases a ton of my anxiety about the whole feeding situation.  If radiation has to happen I won't be able to nurse him for five full weeks, chemo would be even longer.  I really am trying not to think about worse case treatment scenarios but at the same time I want to have a plan if it is necessary.   Realistically it seems that I won't be able to give him what I think is best if radiation or chemo becomes a part of this process.

After I dropped Caroline at school this morning and got back in the car to head down to see my doctor...this was the song on the radio:"my God is healer, awesome in power, my God." So thankful He decided to remind me of that...

First family pictures

We had a great visit with our family photographer tonight.  Houston is 17 days old today.  He and the other kids were so cooperative - that is yet another miracle in our journey ;).
I just wanted to share a link to her Facebook page with a preview of the pictures.  She always does an amazing job!

JK Mitchell Photography

We started with the whole family around 6:30 pm.  The older kids and Billy left around 7:15 and I stayed with Houston to get some pictures of just him.  He was a little stinker and decided that he didn't want to sleep.  Kahlia was VERY patient.  Houston finally began his deep sleep after 9 pm.  She had the lights low and soft music playing.  I found myself justing starring at our precious little angel - crying - I think this was the first time I've been able to just "be" and really think about what a special gift he is...

Welcome to the world - Houston David Harris

Houston David Harris was born July 22, 2012 at 10:55 am weighing in at 9lbs 1oz, 21 inches long and 40.6 weeks gestation.  Isn't he just perfect???

My first look at our big guy.

Houston with mommy and daddy for the first time.

Wow!  This has been such a long emotional journey but so thankful it is a trip Billy and I decided to take.  Houston is absolutely perfect!  And yes, as I hold him I can't help but think that this is the child that multiple doctors encouraged us to terminate back in mid-January.  Emotional - maybe its the hormones of pregnancy and birth but I think it has more to do with the tangible fruits of a miracle that our God gave us.  I am just in awe...and so in love with our new little guy.

I was hopeful for an easy uneventful delivery but that just doesn't really jive with the rest of this pregnancy.  I started having mild, consistent contractions Saturday afternoon.  They weren't painful but just to play it safe I started using my iPhone ContractionMaster App (yep there's an app for that!).  The app alerted me it was time to call the doctor when my contractions were about 5 minutes apart and 1 minute long.  Again the contractions were not painful so I know I wasn't in hard labor but given the history here I decided to call and head on in to the hospital.

We got all settled in our L & D room around midnight and started monitoring Houston and the contractions.  This was after two different nurses tried to start an IV in three different places...really???  I was so tired but didn't want to sit down for fear the contractions might stop.  I was so sure that I was dilating and things would probably move along pretty quickly.  The same nurses that had trouble putting in the IV checked for dilation.  Their findings in their exact words, "Ummm, I can't find your cervix.  Let me get the midwife in here."  Things were not off to the smooth start I was hoping for.

The midwife on call came in to do her assessment.   She did find my cervix but could not find any kind of opening - no dilation.  She suggested we (meaning her) encourage my cervix to open manually.  I won't give many details on that, I'll just give you one adjective: PAINFUL.  That didn't work.  So on to something else.   The doctor on call came in to check me and she wanted to try and cut my cervix open.  At this point they decided I should go ahead and get an epidural - not for the labor pains but so I could endure the procedure they needed to do.

After the epidural the doctor tried to help my cervix along.  She found it!!!  But could not find any place on it that seemed to be the natural opening.   She worked for probably close to an hour (there was so much blood - that part was a little scary).  Then told me to rest and was hopeful that if we gave my body a few more hours I would start to dilate on my own.  She came back a few hours later and tried again, again no luck.  

The doctor and the midwife both understood how very badly I wanted a vaginal delivery with another surgery looming on the horizon for me.  They both tried so hard for me and I could tell that they were probably as disappointed as me that it wasn't working.  As soon as the decision to do the C-section was made we were back in the OR in a matter of minutes. Our precious gift was born at 10:55 am....

This whole time I've been on bed rest, 6 months of it, and guess what?  The scar tissue from my surgery in February was just in the perfect place to keep my cervix from opening, the scars were protecting our little guy from preterm labor!!  The midwife even commented that my cervix was so thin, barely there, that it just didn't make sense that it wouldn't be dilating.  I believe this is yet another instance of God showing himself to us...He had Houston protected the whole time....

  

Learning to enjoy the quiet....

Today is day nine in the hospital (not that I'm counting).  A good friend of mine had to stay in this unit for nearly 60 days with her first child so she tried to prepare me for what this would be like.  The High Risk Perinatal (HPR) Unit.  Who knew there was a whole unit devoted to keeping women pregnant?


It is actually a pretty nice set up.  I have a room with a wonderful view of I285 and the King & Queen buildings here in Atlanta.  It really is like my very own little apartment complete with mini fridge, pantry, room service and medical staff.  All of the staff have gone above and beyond to make Lil Bit and  I comfortable.  They all understand that this takes as much of an emotional toll as it does physical.  Being in bed for the most part of 2012 has been hard on my body, metabolism has slowed resulting in fatigue and no exercising result in no muscle tone.  Emotionally it is difficult to be separated from family, isolated from everything that makes your life "normal."


Please don't mistake the above for a complaint.  It is not.  I am thankful.  I am thankful that still 11 weeks after major surgery I am cancer free and Lil Bit is healthy.  I am thankful for an awesome husband that supports and loves me.  I am thankful for an incredible family that has stepped in to take care of Walker, Carter and Caroline (and Billy, too of course).  I am thankful for friends, neighbors, coworkers that have made sure our family has been well feed since January.  I am thankful for a team of doctors that are collaborating to determine the best possible care for Lil Bit and me.  I am thankful for a God that loves me despite my shortcomings and His many promises of unconditional love.  So very much to be thankful for...


Here at the hospital, bed rest means bed rest.  I do have restroom and shower privileges (not all the women on this floor are that lucky).  I also am allowed one 30 minute wheel chair ride a day.  Other than that it is expected that I am lying in bed.  One if not two doctors stop by to see me daily.  The nurses monitor Lil Bit's heart tones and my uterine contractions periodically and of course vitals several times a day.  I have been visited by family, friends, dietitians, case workers, a music therapist and volunteers with Happy Tails (dog therapy).  


Yesterday I had an ultrasound to check my cervical length and of course check out Lil Bit to make sure he was alright.  He is perfectly healthy and growing as he should.  My cervix did measure shorter than it did last Wednesday.  It was 1.4 cm this week compared to 1.7 cm last week.  The doctors will measure again on Monday and also do an ultrasound then to determine how much he weighs at this point.  They will also repeat the fetal fibronectin test on Monday.  The doctors will use all this information to decide if they feel it is safe to send us home.  The original plan was to discharge us at 28 weeks (next Monday).  But over the past couple of days there's been mention of 32 if not 34 weeks.


I am hopeful that we'll go home next week.  I want what is best for Lil Bit and Walker, Carter and Caroline.  This hasn't been an easy journey for our family...we have tried our best to keep things as normal as possible for them but what's normal about your mommy being away in a hospital?  Its all about perspective I guess...a few months of sacrifice on all our parts for a lifetime with this miracle, this Lil Bit that God has blessed us with.


I love the lyrics of Laura Story's song Blessings, always helps me reevaluate my attitude:

We pray for blessings, We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise...

Only 26 weeks...too soon for a baby....

Well, our doctors have warned us all along that hospital bed rest would most likely be a part of our journey.  And here we are.  The evening of Monday April 9 I started cramping and thought about calling the doctor but then decided to try and sleep it off.  Tuesday morning when I woke up I was still cramping so I decided to call the doctor (around 7:30 am).  I knew it wasn't contractions after having 3 other children but considering where we've been the past few months I didn't want to miss anything.


Is it a good or bad sign when the doctor's answering service has your name flagged? When you actually have your doctor's cell phone numbers?  As soon as I gave her my name she said she would have someone call me immediately.  Less than three minutes later my doctor was calling.  He set up an appointment for me to come into the closest office at 8:45 am.  There he told me they would do a fetal fibronectin test and an ultrasound.  Nanny Starr was staying with us this week so she got the kids off to school and then me off to the doctor.


Fetal fibronectin (fFN) is something I have never heard of.  The test was a simple swab of my cervix.  The ultrasounds are old hat to us now.  The ultrasound didn't show any cervical shortening or funneling - great news.  They sent me home and said the results from the fFN would take a while and they would call with the results.  I went home and climbed in bed hoping the cramping would ease up if I rested and stayed off my feet.  About 2:00 that afternoon the OB office called to let me know that the fFN was positive and that I should head to the hospital.


While I was resting I did a little research on fFN just so I would know what the doctors were talking about.  This is a protein that "glues" Lil Bit to my uterus.  If it is negative then that is a pretty good indicator that labor is not coming, that he is still "glued" tight even with preterm symptoms.  If it is positive then there is a 51% chance labor will start within two weeks.  So while this test is not highly predictive on its own it is just another piece to the puzzle.


I started packing a bag and trying to think of all the things I might need.  It was very difficult to think about Lil Bit coming this early - I really didn't need anything for him other than the Cord Blood Collection Kit - if he came into the world now, we wouldn't be bringing him home until July as he would be in the NICU for months.  Then of course more worry...what are we going to do with the kids?  Walker had a baseball game that night (I know not that important in the grand scheme of things but to Walker would have been the end of the world if he had to miss it.)  I called Billy and told him he needed to meet us at the hospital.  Nanny Starr loaded us all up and we headed down 400 to Northside Hospital.  As soon as Billy got to the hospital Starr was off to the ball fields with the kids.


They got me into a Labor and Delivery room pretty quickly and started developing our plan to convince Lil Bit to hold off making an appearance.  They started me on IV fluids since dehydration can often lead to contractions/cramping.  They decided that two rounds of steroids would be appropriate since they would help decrease medical complications of for a preemie and put me on the monitor.  The monitor was not picking up any uterine contractions which was curious since I was still cramping.  The next thought was that I was fighting an infection (maybe from the surgery site or a UTI) that was causing the cramping so they started IV rocephine (a pretty heavy duty antibiotic).  


It is such a blessing to have other children in this situation to help divert some of the focus off what could be a very serious situation.  Billy asked the nurse (of course he asked if it was OK with me first) if she thought he had time to make it to Walker's game and then head back to the hospital.  She assured him that they were going to stop whatever was going on and he should go.  He returned after the game in time to talk with our OB and for a consult with the Neonatologist.  The OB told us that it would be best for me to stay at least until 28 weeks (April 23) and that they would reassess my cervix and fFN at that point and make a decision.  The Neonatologist was there to prepare us for what to expect if Lil Bit was born a 26 weeks...scary, scary statistics.   Brain bleeds, blind, deaf, respiratory issues, intestinal infections and of course death to name a few of the challenges.  He tells us that 85% of babies this early do live but of that 85% only about 1/3 have no long lasting medical complications.  Every day longer in the womb reduces the risk of complications but it seems 34 weeks is that "magic" time when the statistics really start to look best.


When Billy and I decided to try the radical trachelecotomy in February we knew the risk of a preterm delivery because of a shorten cervix.  It was a risk we were willing to take to save Lil Bit.  It still doesn't make it easier to hear...every parent wants the best for their child...no parent wants to think that a decision made in the best interest of their child might result in harm...


They kept me overnight in Labor and Delivery.  I stayed on the monitor all night while they pumped me full of IV fluids, steroids and antibiotics.  When my OB doctor came in the next morning he said, "we are in uncharted waters with you.  We are going to play this conservatively and keep you until 28 weeks."  That afternoon a room opened up on the High Risk Perinatal Floor (HRP).  Seems this will be my home for at least two weeks.


Again this verse, a promise from my God, has been great comfort.  God has been so good to us and continues to bless our family. 


“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11(NIV)

Another great week...

Seems to be that I'm on the road to recovery.  It is getting easier to move around but I still get exhausted doing the smallest tasks.  After taking a shower I feel like I've just run a marathon (sad I know)!  I spoke with a nurse to see if that was normal.  She said to expect one week of recovery for every hour I was under anesthesia.  So that would be about four weeks - this is week two - half way there!


My incision sites (x5) are healing nicely, the actual internal surgery site is still very tender.  I have to remind myself how many internal stitches I have.  It is easy to forget when you can't see them.  I so want to pick up Caroline but I can't.  Small price to pay I guess for my life and the life our growing Lil Man (yep it's a boy)!  


We had another OB appointment today and again were totally blessed with the outcome.  These weekly ultrasounds really help put my mind at ease.  He looked fabulous.  Still no indication that he was affected AT ALL by the surgery or the medications associated with it.  My cervix is still closed and looks from the abdominal ultrasound to be the same as a regular pregnancy.  Next week, when I have healed a little more, they most likely will do a vaginal ultrasound as well to ensure all the stitches are still intact and get a more accurate measurement of my cervix.  


At this point it seems I will be able to carry him full term (well, 36ish weeks at least).  Much better than a point a few weeks ago when doctors were saying 28 weeks.  I did ask if there was a possibility that I could forgo the C-section and have a vaginal delivery - I think the doctor didn't know how to answer (he probably wanted to say..."are you crazy, woman??") - but did say it was "a potential."  That would be awesome, another miracle, since it would give me a chance to meet Lil Man and a chance to nurse him without being under too many medications.


Then I asked if I really NEEDED the hysterectomy since it seems all the cancer was removed with the radical trachelectomy.   So reality sets in again.  His words exactly, "Megan, you are STILL a cancer patient.  You have adenocarcinoma, a very aggressive cancer."  


Okay, okay so mom says I keep pushing the envelope...but God can do it.  He has already 
answered "BIGGER" than I ever asked.  He is in control...He can do it!  A good friend of Billy's mom just sent me so notecards that she made for me.  The scripture she choose to print on them is:


"Your FAITH should not stand in the wisdom of men but in the POWER of God."  1 Corinthians 2:9


I am so grateful for the POWER of my God...He has made it so very obvious to us....

Successful Surgery!!!

As Megan and I sit in the hospital room at MD Anderson, she is still a little groggy from all of the medications and anesthesia from yesterday's surgery. Therefore, I get the pleasure of updating her blog with the incredible news of AMAZING GRACE. 


The surgery was a complete success. In fact, the results were better than what we could have ever expected. Megan and baby are 100% healthy. Dr. Ramirez told me after the surgery that he was able to remove all of the cancerous cells. He's going to send off some tissue samples and lymph nodes for further evaluation, but if his initial assessment is correct, Megan should now be cancer-free! This means she won't need to go through any radiation or chemo after the baby is born. All she will need to do is have a hysterectomy at the time of the birth. She has truly been touched by the healing hand of God. Jeremiah 32:27 "I am the Lord, the God of all mankind; is there anything too hard for me?" 


The type of surgery performed was a trachelectomy. One of the Anesthesiologists last night told me that Dr. Ramirez is one of only a few GYN Oncologists in the world that is willing to perform this surgery on an expecting mother. How amazing is it that the Lord opened this door to us? The resounding recommendation from the doctors in Atlanta was to terminate the pregnancy, and immediately start radiation and chemo. The Atlanta doctors gave Megan anywhere from a 70% to 85% cure rate, depending on who you spoke to. Fast forward to today where Megan seemingly is cancer-free and the baby is healthy as can be at 16.5 weeks. The power of prayer is undeniable. Prayers from family members, friends, churches, Bible studies, colleagues at work, teachers, students, and friends from all of the above have played a significant role in allowing us to be treated at MD Anderson and leading us to Dr. Ramirez. 


During the visit today from Dr. Ramirez, he admitted that the results from this surgery exceeded his expectations. This is only the 6th time he has performed this surgery, so our hope is that we are paving the way for more expecting mothers to evaluate all options before making a final decision. Next steps: Megan will be discharged from the hospital tomorrow afternoon (Friday). Our flight home is scheduled for Saturday evening. Megan will now be working closely with her OB and Maternal Fetal Specialist in Atlanta. Since part of her cervix had to be removed during the surgery, our concern now turns to making sure our baby makes it to term. A pre-term birth could potentially have serious complications for the health of the baby. Our goal is to get to at least 32 weeks, which means we passed the halfway point earlier this week. 


Please continue to pray for Lil' Bit as he/she continues to develop and grow. It's been a wonderful and fulfilling two days. Megan and I give all the glory to Him. Thank you for everyone's prayers and support. I know it has made a difference. God Bless, Bill